Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Time to Die

While this seems like a very morbid title for a blog entry, I assure you it isn't meant to be. The death I am referring to is the death required to all of us Christ followers--to lay down your life for the sake of others. We are, of course, commanded to lay down our life for all others, but it is most necessary to our spouses and to our children. I knew when I agreed to marry TJ that I was agreeing to put him above myself. It meant that sometimes I'm having a bad day, but I'm going to step it up because TJ is having a bad day, too. It means that sometimes I have to watch the show that he wants to watch. And God promises that I am BLESSED for sacrificing my desires for my husband's sake.

The good news is that dying to self in a marriage is a reciprocal relationship, where sometimes TJ will step it up for my sake. However, dying to self for your children does not tend to be directly reciprocal. It means that sometimes I am going to want time to myself, but Blake decides that nap time will be a little shorter today, so I don't get to read the chapter I wanted to read in my book. It means that when Blake needs me in the middle of the night, it doesn't matter how tired I am. Blake's needs will always come before mine (not that my needs are not important and do not need to be addressed). As a new mother, I'm learning how to address my needs in different ways. I'm adjusting. It means maybe I shower only every other day. It means that I wait to enjoy relaxing time until Blake is napping. It means that TJ and I schedule a date night maybe twice a month if we are lucky, and we cherish that time alone together. For these sacrifices as a mother, I am BLESSED!

Being called to be a wife and a mother are not easy jobs. I remember in college, my friends and I sat together and expressed what the one thing we wanted to do in our lives before we die was. For most of us, it was to get married and have a family. We saw marriage and children as our happy ending. I don't think we were thinking about the challenges of these roles at that time because we didn't know then what these roles require. But being a wife has made me a better woman. And being a mother is making me an even better woman. These are the roles I have been called to, and they aren't necessarily a "happy ending," but they are beautiful. Every day, I grow to be more Christ-like as I lay down my life for my husband and my son.

Perhaps my friends and I worded our biggest life goal incorrectly, for in order to have a good marriage and be a good mother, you have to die. These aren't the things that happen before we die; these are the things for which we die daily.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

what it means to be honest

Several people have told me that they appreciate my honesty in my blog. Vulnerability has always been a quality of mine that I readily display because, well, I just have too many darn emotions to even try to hide them! But the willingness to be open and vulnerable takes a new form when it comes to being a momma. We all want to be perfect moms and do EVERYTHING right for our little ones. We worry we will permanently mess up our kids when, for example, they will only fall asleep while nursing. If we let it, anxiety can really tire us out, and seriously, as a parent, aren't we already tired enough?

At first I found it interesting that people would mention my honesty because why wouldn't people be open and honest about what their experiences are like and how they're dealing with them? But now that I see online forums and comments at the end of blog entries, I get it. Moms are hard on other moms. They're judgmental and critical. "OMG I can't believe that child still has a pacifier!" "OMG I can't believe that child is still in diapers!" And believe me, I'm guilty of doing this too (but at least it's only in my head). Why are we cutting each other down so much? We're all on the same team here, mom to mom. Don't we all have the goal of raising good and happy children? It's not easy to be open and honest about your experiences when you know that other moms are out there judging you.

Today I was looking at a blog that was about a mother bringing her young infant to the beach for the first time. The mother mentioned that she found it important to cover herself while breastfeeding on the beach. This launched a HUGE argument between readers who just had to comment with their opinion on breastfeeding in public. And it made me feel like I wanted to crawl in my shell with my own opinions and practices because I didn't want to be judged. And it's difficult knowing that when my son is hungry, and I decide to feed him in public, whether I wear a cover or not is going to be highly judged by every person who sees me. But what does anyone know about why I might not cover up? Blake gets overheated very easily, so covering him up makes him upset and fussy. So if I could find a way to stay modest enough and not wear a nursing cover, I would do it because otherwise, my child won't eat.

I'm definitely guilty of judging other moms on their decisions, but I'm trying not to be because I know we all (or at least most of us) are trying to do the best we can for our children in the best way that we know how. And I don't know the challenges that other moms are facing in these areas that lead to the parenting decisions they have made. If we didn't judge each other so much, maybe more people could feel comfortable being honest about their difficulties. It takes a huge load off your chest when you can say how you're feeling, but so many of us are just trying to keep it all together for the public. And who could blame them, when they're faced with a jury of peers who are all too ready to give their opinion.

Cutting another mom down by saying or writing a judgy comment is not what honesty looks like. People like to say something mean to others and then say, "Sorry. I'm just being honest." Honesty is being able to openly share your experiences without undermining another person's experiences. And if more of us moms could feel free to be honest about our experiences, maybe we wouldn't feel so pressured to get everything right because we would realize that not even one of us is getting everything right.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

12 weeks? WHAAAT?!

First off, Blake is 12 weeks old today. I can hardly believe it! He's growing at a good rate and has stayed pretty average for his age in weight, so I'm thankful for that. We are having a few issues lately, for which I am in troubleshooting mode. First, he refuses to take a bottle. This makes babysitting very difficult because I stress when I'm away from him, knowing he won't eat. The other issue is that he's not adjusted well, so far, to living at my dad's house. He pretty much constantly wants to be held, and he won't stay asleep in his crib. So since TJ and I need to sleep, we put him in our bed. I don't love this option, though it does make nighttime feedings easier. Plus he still tends to prefer 11pm for bedtime, I am hoping and praying to resolve these issues soon because I'm exhausted! Other than that, though, he's a good baby. He loves people. He laughs now, which is AMAZING! The volunteers at the nursery at church rave about him. Apparently, he's a big deal.


So remember the woman who was certain she had postpartum depression who was so mad that this tiny, fussy alien was taking her away from her husband? Well, she had to take a pregnancy test a month ago because she didn't get a period, though she figured it was because of breastfeeding. She was disappointed when the test came out negative. I know, I don't get it either. Who wants to be pregnant again with a three month old?! (Two month old at the time, actually!) Apparently me. Sensible me knows better though. We had to save up a lot of money for my pregnancy last year, plus we can't have two babies at my dad's house! I know sensible me and TJ will win this argument, but impulsive me is ready for #2!! And yet I wonder if I could ever share my love with another child because Blake is kind of my whole world right now.



Remember the woman who said maybe breast isn't best for me? I was so wrong! I mean, it would have been fine to stick with formula, but I'm so thankful I was able to get him back to breastfeeding after such early bottle feeding! The fact that my body provides the food for my son is such a beautiful, holy experience for me. It's also a very heavy calling. I feel such a weight on me when he doesn't eat. A few weekends ago, we walked the MS Walk, but it was not great timing for Blake's schedule, so he didn't get to eat beforehand. He was napping, so it didn't really matter, but I knew he shouldn't nap that whole walk, but when he woke up, he would be hungry. So when we had the choice of the short walk or the long one, I asked for the short one for Blake's sake, but the group wanted to do the long one. It was a mile and a half longer, which probably took half an hour. Everyone said Blake was sleeping, so he was fine. But I knew better. Anyway, Blake woke up as we finished our walk, having slept too long and gone too long without eating, He was hysterical, and I felt so emotional like I had starved my child. It broke my heart. NOW I know to advocate better for Blake. I ended up feeding him in the car then after the race. It was a good reminder that day that Blake has to come first in my life. And while that comes pretty easily for me, it doesn't for others, especially when they don't know Blake's needs like I do. As his mom, I know his needs better than anyone, so I just need to let others know and stick to it, even if it means me making a sacrifice and/or looking like a party pooper.