Monday, February 18, 2013

breast is best?

Throughout my entire pregnancy, there was no question that I was going to breastfeed. I think it is healthiest and most natural for babies, so I was really excited about it. Plus it doesn't hurt that it's free food for baby. I was prepared in knowing that getting a correct latch is key, and it isn't easy. In the hospital, two nurses helped me breastfeed for the first time right after my c-section. I didn't do anything, just laid in the bed while they did all the work. And throughout the next few days, breastfeeding wasn't so bad. I thought things were going pretty well. But even there, Blake would feed for at least 45 minutes, and he would still be fussy. He wouldn't sleep hardly at all. Even when we were holding him, and we thought he was sleeping, he would wake up and scream as soon as we tried to put him down.

When we got him home, it was worse. That first night at home was just the most horrible experience. I was basically up all night with him trying to get him to feed. I was so desperate to feed him that I didn't even care that the latch seemed wrong. I just needed him to eat and be done with it. When morning came, I was a mess. I told TJ I wasn't sure that breastfeeding was going to work out. Of course, it didn't help that my hormones were all out of whack. I couldn't physically breastfeed anymore because it was hurting me too much and was just too damaging emotionally for me, so we started using formula from then on. It only took a few hours to notice a difference in both Blake and me. Blake was actually sleeping, and when he fussed, he was fussing for a specific reason that we could solve. And I had a huge weight lifted from me.

We spent the weekend feeding Blake formula through a medicine dropper thing because I didn't want to give him a bottle before we made a final decision about whether to breastfeed. I felt so heavy with the decision, even though our decision was pretty much made for us because I just couldn't handle it. As a compromise, I was really hoping I could pump milk and bottle feed, even if it meant supplementing with formula. But I couldn't even get myself to express milk due to how much I was hurting.

Finally, this morning we went to the pediatrician and met with the lactation consultant there. She was really encouraging and did not try to force me to breastfeed. But she helped me with my breast pump, and right in that office, I pumped enough milk for two feedings for Blake. I was so overjoyed to know that my body could do it, and there was hope that I could still give Blake the nutrition from breast milk, at least for some of his meals.

I had come to terms with the reality that I just might not be able to give Blake breast milk. I think, in our case, it seemed that breast was not best. I am so thankful that there is hope that I can feed him some breast milk now, and I just praise God for this opportunity. Seeing milk flow from my breasts is such an incredible experience for me because it gives me that feeling of providing food for my son. Each time today that I have expressed milk, I thanked God, and I will continue to thank Him because He is so good! This is just one of the ways His goodness has shined in my life today.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

blake makes his debut... reluctantly

Blake Samuel Rieger
Born 2/12/13 at 10:35 PM. 7 lbs 13 oz. 20 inches.

I must preface this story by saying that, at first, this story will not sound very uplifting at all. But as you can see from the above picture, there is a happy ending! It just goes to show you that even a story that starts with the word "induction" and has the word "c-section" in the middle is beautiful because it ends with the words "beautiful baby boy."

As previously mentioned, I was not too happy about being induced, but we were tired of waiting for Blake, so on Monday at noon, we went for my induction. The midwife suggested, since I was hoping for a more natural birth, that we start by inserting a balloon in my cervix to encourage it to dilate. She said that in 6-8 hours, I would be dilated 4 cm. By the end of 6 hours, I was so uncomfortable with these random tubes coming out of me down there. Then a nurse and the new midwife on duty came in and happened to mention the words "12 hours." Apparently this procedure actually takes 12 hours, not 6-8. Hmm... good to know. By 1 AM, exactly 12 hours after start time, I went to the bathroom thinking I had to poop, and instead, I pooped a balloon out of my vagina. What a weird feeling. The good news was that I was dilated 5-6 cm at that point! I was so excited.

The next step (starting at 1ish Tuesday morning) was the pitocin, which pretty much confined me to the bed, save a few bathroom trips in which wires had to be unplugged and IV units dragged to the bathroom with me. The contractions quickly became painful, and I hadn't intended on getting an epidural, but since I was already confined to the bed and thus wasn't able to do any natural coping methods, I opted for the epidural. I got kind of loopy as it took its effects and started talking about my tingly legs and ponies. Anyway, the epidural allowed me not to feel any pain at all, so I slept the day away.

Just before 6 PM, the midwife told me I was finally 10 cm and could start pushing. I was pushing pretty well and after a half an hour or so, the nurse said that they could see some of Blake's head. TJ told me that he saw it and that Blake had dark hair like mine. That was all the motivation I needed to push harder. So I pushed and pushed, but there didn't seem to be any progress. I kept telling them I needed to know if we were getting closer, and they kept giving me the same answer--that Blake's head needed to descend into the pelvis. Which didn't sound like anything had happened at all. So I pushed for three hours until I started crying that I couldn't do it anymore. Which leads us to the dreaded words... c-section.

They made my mom leave shortly after 9 PM as they got me ready for the c-section. She had to wait in the lobby. But it wasn't until almost 10 that they took me in the O.R. It was the scariest thing I have ever been through. They wheeled me into the brightest room I had ever seen, and there were so many nurses and doctors in there. I had been dealing with nausea all day, so the first thing I did was lean over the table and throw up medicine (that I had been given so I wouldn't have nausea). They set me all up and then put a tent around my head so I couldn't see, and then TJ was allowed in to be with me. I could feel a significant amount of pressure as they worked on me, so I was terrified that I would feel a knife cutting me. The doctor assured me that this wasn't the case, and that they had already started working. The procedure was very short, and then there it was... my baby's first cry. I couldn't see him, but I heard him, and that was enough to melt away the awful past two days. I instantly said to myself, none of that matters now.

I was pretty messed up after the procedure so they took me to a recovery room where they worked on me. I don't really remember any of it except that I kept trying to talk but couldn't get words out. Once I was a little better, the nurses brought Blake over to meet me. I couldn't hold him, but I got to kiss him and tried to breastfeed for the first time. And by breastfeed I mean, I laid there while the nurses got Blake to latch. If only it were that easy all the time... but more on that later.

We got to our hospital room at 1:30 AM Wednesday. I don't really recall the details of that first night with Blake except that I didn't get to hold him until the next day. But he was well worth the wait. He's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Anyway, to summarize a long story... nothing about my labor and delivery went according to what I would have hoped, but none of that matters now. All I know is that I now am the mother of the most beautiful and healthy boy in the entire world (other mothers, it's okay if you disagree). And out of all the things I asked God for during my pregnancy, that was the most important one. So thank you, God, for this miracle of life. May our family bring you glory!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

almost 41 weeks: nonstress?



Well, here I am at almost 41 weeks (not the best pic of me, but it is what it is). I'm so tired all the time, and my body is even more uncomfortable, which I didn't think was possible a few weeks ago! It has been hard to keep waiting because we are so excited to meet him. I spent the last few weeks trying to induce labor through different means, and it has only gotten me more frustrated because it hasn't worked. It turned into a means to try to control the situation, and it's just not possible to control this. People keep saying things like, God is in control. And I know that. It isn't helpful to me to hear it from others. I just want to hear an, "I'm sorry. It must be tough to keep waiting."

That being said, I feel like I have really learned a lot over these past few weeks. It has been a big journey of faith and doubt. I really thought that God would give us the January birth we had been praying for the whole time. And when He didn't, I said, "God, do you not care about us? Don't you care about what is best for us?" I was really discouraged, but then it occurred to me that perhaps God has some kind of bigger picture. Perhaps He knows what's best for us in other ways other than financially.

Today I had a nonstress test and an ultrasound; both went really well, and baby is healthy. We are really thankful to hear that everything is alright. TJ is very impatient at this point and probably would have agreed to induce today, but I want to wait a few more days to give Blake a chance to come on his own. I really do not want to have to induce labor, but we had to schedule it. So if Blake does not come on his own by Monday at noon, I will be induced then. Which brings me to my next doubtful moment. "God, do you not care about our desire to give birth naturally? Why would you start this labor out with drugs and set us up to need more drugs?" That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm hopeful just to know that by Tuesday, we will be holding our baby, but inducing is not how I wanted it to happen.

The good news is there are still almost four whole days for him to come naturally! We still pray that he will come before Monday, however TJ is not so hopeful that it will actually happen. I still hope. I'm trying to process what my mindset should be, though. Is it healthier for me to just think that labor will come on Monday and just be surprised and happy if it comes before then? Or should I continue to be hopeful that he will come sooner and perhaps be disappointed? I just don't know. What I know for sure is that my God is a God of blessing. God may not give us exactly what we had in mind, BUT His promise is to always take care of us and that everything will be to His glory. Thus, my new prayer regarding Blake's birth is that it would be for God's glory. If this is my purpose for everything, I cannot be disappointed that things don't happen according to my terms.