daughter of the king

It has been way too long since I've updated. Sorry to have left on such a depressing note, but I'm pleased to say that I am much more well adjusted these days to motherhood. I'm able to actually get sleep instead of being anxious all the time (and it doesn't hurt that Blake is sleeping longer stretches these days!) And I'm actually happy. I feel so much joy holding my little babe, that, in the times when he's screaming his head off at midnight, I can cope. Praise God! I know it's the power of prayer that got me through this adjustment period.

My prayers for myself have all been desperate pleas lately. "Please, God, just let me get two hours of sleep!" And when I asked for two, I was surprised to find that He gave me three. And when I've been staying up late with Blake this week when he is super fussy and inconsolable, Blake eventually goes to sleep and stays down for 5-6 hours! God has been blessing me abundantly, and by giving me what I need and more, He reminds me that I am still His daughter, even though I am a parent now. It's easy for me to feel like I don't matter anymore, but God wants me to know that I still have value, and He is still my father. This reminder is huge for me, but I don't know if I would have seen it quite so easily if it weren't for family and friends offering support to me. They have offered to stay over and take care of Blake so that I can sleep, and they have offered up wonderful meals so that I don't go hungry. They, also, remind me that I still matter and that, as I take care of Blake, I will be taken care of, too.

This reminder is so uplifting for me as a new parent because I need God's love over me now, more than ever, as I hold a precious child's life in my hands. And yet, as God is taking care of me, His precious child, I can trust that He is the one who holds Blake's life, not me. And that's a good thing.

the bar has been set high

i type this entry on my laptop one letter at a time with one hand. this is how i type most of the time now as i multi-task with nursing. it drives me nuts to type so slowly and sloppily, but it's either this or nothing! anyway, today i want to sing my husband's praises. i knew thar tj would be an amazing farther. but i guess i didn't consider how he would, simultaneously, continue to be a great husband to me.

as i discussed in my previous entry, i have really been struggling with baby blues. this scares tj because we are not sure how much "blues" is normal. there have been nights that i just can't stop crying, in the midst of blake having a crying fit. tj held blake in one arm and me on the other. tj has been so patient with me and has picked up some of my slack, like washing dishes, in addition to keeping up with his 50 hour work week.

when we brought blake home, we started formula feeding from bottles since nursing wasn't going well, so tj and i took turns feeding him. i got used to having a chance to sleep through a feeding at night, so when i went back to breastfeeding, it was difficult for me to imagine being the only feeder. now, if timing works out, tj gives blake a bottle around 11 or so, while i go to bed and get a head start on sleep. it makes a huge difference. he sacrifices his own sleep so i can sleep.

i know tj is exhausted from carrying the responsibility of making sure i'm okay, making sure blake is cared for, and trying to take care of himself. he has proven himself  to be a true hero to our family, and i'm confident he will continue to be our hero. tj has set the bar has set high for fathers and husbands everywhere, and i am so thankful. other family and friends have been very supportive and helpful, but there is nothing like my husband's mere presence to calm me and make me feel safe.

tonight, we are going on our first date night since blake's birth. i kind of thought it might be too soon, but the doctor recommended it because of my baby blues. i hope it will be a nice chance to get rejuvenated and reconnect with tj. i miss being just us, and i'm so jealous for uninterrupted time with him.

baby blues

So I have a few images floating around in my head that I saw on facebook. One of them is of a friend who had a baby a few months ago, and she took her one or two week old baby to a New Year's gathering. And the other isn't specific but a general hodgepodge of pictures I've seen of happy mommas with happy  newborns. It is these images that haunt me and make me feel like I must be a horrible mother who will never adjust to motherhood. These images make me feel like these other first-time mothers must have some quality that I don't have. It wasn't until a day or two ago that I realized that this was poison to me. Who knows how much these mothers struggled with their newborns crying for long periods of time for no understandable reason? Who knows how much they struggled with sleep deprivation and arguing with their husbands about nothing due to the stress? They aren't posting on facebook about those things because it's very personal, and random facebook friends may not necessarily be sensitive to these struggles.

Well, it definitely is personal, but I'm choosing to write about it anyway. I'm assuming that only people who care about me are reading this, anyway. The people who are reading this are probably the people who, if they asked, would hear my honest struggles.

I know that baby blues is a normal thing for a few weeks. And I don't know how much blues is normal and when it's a red flag, but I just know that I'm struggling a lot. I feel like an inept mother--that I wasn't cut out for this. I feel like this will never get any better or easier. I feel hopeless, like I'm just drowning. And I feel like I'm not myself, like I don't even know what being myself means anymore. People keep saying they would babysit for an hour or so while I go off and have some time for myself. But I don't even know what I would want to do with my time anymore (other than sleep). What would I enjoy doing? Where would I enjoy going? I don't know.

When TJ leaves for work, I watch the clock, just waiting for him to get home again. And he isn't even starting full time work until tomorrow.

Every night, I can't fall asleep because I'm so anxious about when I will be awoken next. When it's evening time, I start to dread the upcoming night. And in the morning, I dread the long day ahead.

And it's not because I don't love Blake. I love him so much, but this newborn phase makes me feel like I can't ever have another child because it's just too hard.

I don't necessarily have any happy conclusion to add to this because I'm still in the midst of this and haven't come out on the other side. I suppose I will come out on the other side, and this will all be a blip in time, and in a few years, I'll be wanting to do it again with another child.

I know that people say that this is just a hard phase, and it will get better. But it's hard to believe that during the times that Blake cries for three hours straight. Or when I've spent two hours lying in my bed and haven't been able to fall asleep yet, but he starts crying that he's hungry again.

This whole thing is so incredibly difficult, and it's not like I didn't know that it would be. But this is how I feel right now, and I've just decided to be brutally honest about it. Why? So that you will pray for me and understand how deeply I need the prayers. I won't sugarcoat it and make it seem like it's just something to pray about if you happen to have the time. No, I need you to pray for me immediately after you finish reading this, and if you can remember to, pray for me every single day for the next few weeks. I'm confident these feelings won't last a long time, but they may last the next few weeks, and it doesn't make this transition any easier.

In case anyone was looking at my happy baby photos or posts on facebook, you now know that that is not the whole story. I don't expect others to be so honest because I know facebook isn't the place for that, but it would definitely be helpful for me to hear that others have struggled, and when things got better, and in what ways things got better.