Wednesday, June 26, 2013

His Arms


Last Sunday, I had Blake in my arms, and it was time for his nap, so I just rocked him to sleep in the middle of the church service. I love those moments where I get to just hold him and watch him sleep so peacefully. He's at an age where sometimes when he's fussing for someone else, when he gets in my arms, he's content. Mom's arms mean comfort. Mom's arms mean everything is okay and safe. And while I wish that it didn't always have to be me because it makes me exhausted sometimes, there's something so beautiful in the fact that he trusts me and loves me that much. That I'm his person.

And that's when the revelation came. That's how God feels about me! He wants me to run to His arms for comfort and peace. He wants me to know that, in His arms, I am safe. It isn't a burden to Him that I ask for help because He loves to hold me! Being a mom is teaching me so much about the character of God.

I love watching Blake enjoy the toys that we give him. I love watching him explore the world around him. And I know God looks down and enjoys watching us appreciate the scenery and the people around us. He loves when we are thankful for the gifts He has given because, of course, He wants us to enjoy our gifts!

While I haven't carved out the time to read my bible very much since being a parent, I think I've learned so much more these past few months about God's role as Heavenly Father (and mother!) than I have my whole life. My dad never offered much affection or affirmation, so the idea of being God's child didn't strike me deeply before now. But now I realize in much deeper ways how much God loves me as His child.

In this world where so many children are the innocent victims of evil, I'm comforted in knowing that Blake is God's child too. I'm comforted in knowing that Blake is even more precious to God than he is to me (which is a concept I can't even begin to understand!). And while that doesn't mean that bad things will never happen, I know that God is watching over us and gives us power and protection over the schemes of the devil. But all of that is a much deeper topic that I won't get into right now.

Thank you, God, for the opportunity to become a mother and to know your heart in deeper ways! I understand much more deeply how you love and care for me as a precious child and how much you love and care for Blake, too!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

blake's first beach trip


So I've been excited to take Blake to the beach since, I don't know... I was five months pregnant, maybe. I bought reusable swim diapers, a rash guard, and swim trunks. I browsed beach tents on amazon.com while nursing. But I didn't end up buying a beach tent because I figured an inflatable baby pool with a shade was cheaper and multi-functional.

I was waiting and waiting until it was close enough to our beach trip that I could look up the weather forecast, and much to my dismay, Monday and Tuesday (our days at the beach) called for rain. All day rain. I was so disappointed! It's kind of depressing to pack for a beach trip that you know you will end up in the motel room the whole time.

Monday was rainy, so we weren't in a rush to get there. We got there around 4 PM, and it was pouring rain. But during dinner, the rain stopped! So I told TJ we had to get out and enjoy the non-rain while we could. So we walked on the boardwalk for a little while, and then we even went on the beach and took a few photos.

Blake woke me up at 6:30 AM on Tuesday, which is way earlier than normal. I was not happy. But I saw sunshine! The weather forecast said it would start raining at 8 AM, so I got TJ up right away so we could go to the beach. We walked to the beach and put Blake's feet in the sand and in the water. It was such a sweet moment because I love the beach. He liked the sand, and he wasn't sure about the water at first because it was too cold. Once he got used to the temperature, he didn't hate it. After breakfast, it was STILL SUNNY so we headed back to the beach. I showed Blake how to jump the waves, and we took more pictures, of course. And it wiped him out! He ended up falling asleep in his baby pool/tent. For lunch, we met up with TJ's aunt and cousin, and we all went swimming in the pool because it was STILL SUNNY. Blake loved the pool. We bobbed him up and down, and he kicked like he wanted to swim. And then he got wiped out again. We never got even a drop of rain that day. I was so thankful!

On Wednesday, Blake woke me up early again, so we went to the beach, and then we got in the pool for a little. Then we drove down to Cape May for a whale watch. Blake didn't notice he was on a boat or anything, but he was fine. And luckily, TJ entertained him for a lot of the time so I could search for whales. We never saw any whales, but we saw dolphins, and I even saw a stingray.

We had a wonderful beach trip, and I'm so thankful for it. I couldn't have asked for more except for maybe one more day to spend there. I hope I can remember Blake's sweet expressions forever as he experienced the ocean for the first time!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

the sin of ungratefulness

I once read that the first sin was one of ungratefulness. Adam and Eve disregarded everything that they were given, and they saw only that one thing that they were not given. I always read Genesis 3 and wonder how they could be so stupid to have messed up like that. If they were given every beautiful thing on the earth, and life was just wonderful and peaceful all the time, why couldn't they just be content, knowing that they have already been given more than enough? But if I really think about it, I guess I'm not content either.

This ungratefulness comes in the form of jealousy for me. It seeps into me like a poison, tainting my views of everything and everyone. It causes me to take for granted all the blessings that I have been given.

I'm jealous of women who seem to have no trouble at all losing their baby weight soon after having their babies. I walk around hating my body every single day. It's terribly depressing when you can't fit in any of your clothes, and it feels shameful not to have lost more weight after four months. But on the other hand, what a beautiful blessing to have grown and carried a baby inside of my body! What a beautiful blessing to be able to nourish my son every day with my body! What a beautiful blessing to be able to bounce, dance, change, and tickle my son every day! Maybe this body has a few extra pounds and stretch marks on it, but it sure is incredible what my body has done and continues to do! And hating my body and being jealous of others just tells God that what I've been given isn't enough.

I'm also very jealous having seen others get better attendance at their baby shower and more hospital visits from mutual friends than what I got at mine. I replay it over and over in my head, allowing myself to feel hurt and unloved over and over again. And maybe I am less loved by those people. But what about the people who did visit? What about the people who made us wonderful meals? What about the people who traveled quite far to come to my baby shower? It might not directly seem like ungratefulness, but if I focus only on the people who didn't show up, I ignore the people who did. And believe me, it's a lot more fun to think about the people who went out of their way to be supportive. My friend Allie came from near Philly for my baby shower during her difficult pregnancy. My friend Debby came from Harrisburg, leaving behind her own small baby. My friend Kayla made us three incredible meals after Blake was born to help out when I was really struggling! Wow, what a beautiful blessing to have friends who make loving me a priority in their life during those important times!

It's so easy when I'm tired and stressed to allow the enemy to invade my mind and make me feel like I don't have enough. It's the enemy who says, "Hey, those people didn't visit you when you had your baby! They must not love you!" But knowing that it's the enemy who tells me those stories lets me know that these stories don't have any truth in them. They are LIES!

God's truth says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God's truth says I love you and gave my life for you. And those are the stories I need to be playing in my head. I can't tell you how much time I've spent lately arguing with TJ about how people don't love me and why I'm ugly. It has been a huge waste of my time (and TJ's) defending lies! And I don't want to do it anymore because I don't want to be ungrateful. I want to say, "Thank you, God!" rather than "Thank you, God, but I actually wanted this other stuff too." I want to allow God's truth to permeate every part of me and use my energy to praise Him rather than to be ungrateful for the many gifts He has given.