Well, here I am at almost 41 weeks (not the best pic of me, but it is what it is). I'm so tired all the time, and my body is even more uncomfortable, which I didn't think was possible a few weeks ago! It has been hard to keep waiting because we are so excited to meet him. I spent the last few weeks trying to induce labor through different means, and it has only gotten me more frustrated because it hasn't worked. It turned into a means to try to control the situation, and it's just not possible to control this. People keep saying things like, God is in control. And I know that. It isn't helpful to me to hear it from others. I just want to hear an, "I'm sorry. It must be tough to keep waiting."
That being said, I feel like I have really learned a lot over these past few weeks. It has been a big journey of faith and doubt. I really thought that God would give us the January birth we had been praying for the whole time. And when He didn't, I said, "God, do you not care about us? Don't you care about what is best for us?" I was really discouraged, but then it occurred to me that perhaps God has some kind of bigger picture. Perhaps He knows what's best for us in other ways other than financially.
Today I had a nonstress test and an ultrasound; both went really well, and baby is healthy. We are really thankful to hear that everything is alright. TJ is very impatient at this point and probably would have agreed to induce today, but I want to wait a few more days to give Blake a chance to come on his own. I really do not want to have to induce labor, but we had to schedule it. So if Blake does not come on his own by Monday at noon, I will be induced then. Which brings me to my next doubtful moment. "God, do you not care about our desire to give birth naturally? Why would you start this labor out with drugs and set us up to need more drugs?" That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm hopeful just to know that by Tuesday, we will be holding our baby, but inducing is not how I wanted it to happen.
The good news is there are still almost four whole days for him to come naturally! We still pray that he will come before Monday, however TJ is not so hopeful that it will actually happen. I still hope. I'm trying to process what my mindset should be, though. Is it healthier for me to just think that labor will come on Monday and just be surprised and happy if it comes before then? Or should I continue to be hopeful that he will come sooner and perhaps be disappointed? I just don't know. What I know for sure is that my God is a God of blessing. God may not give us exactly what we had in mind, BUT His promise is to always take care of us and that everything will be to His glory. Thus, my new prayer regarding Blake's birth is that it would be for God's glory. If this is my purpose for everything, I cannot be disappointed that things don't happen according to my terms.
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