Reprise

I used to be a poet. In fact, I was getting to be quite a good poet, and then... I don't know what happened. My feelings started getting too complex to write about. Heck, maybe I'm not a good poet! Ha! Anyway, when we moved to my Dad's house, I lost my poem book. Of course I had them typed and saved in multiple places, but for some reason, there was just one poem that I couldn't find anywhere. I was heartbroken because I loved this poem. This poem, entitled "Reprise," is a reprise (obviously) of a poem I had written about two years prior. I could write a novel about my misadventures of dating my college boyfriend, but to be brief, this is the very last poem I wrote about him. I wrote "Reprise" at the beginning of 2010--approximately five months after we broke up for the fourth time (yes, seriously). I never made a habit of posting my poetry online because I thought maybe someone would try to steal it and claim it as their own. But today, I make an exception because I am so thankful to have found my poetry book containing this gem. (It's a gem to me. Don't rain on my parade if you don't think it's a gem!)

Reprise

You believe that we were never friends,

and we were never dating.

So maybe I did imagine it all.

The scenes play over and over in my mind,

like a bad movie that you wish you had never seen.

I only kept watching because I wanted to see the ending.

I wanted to resolve this mess and rectify your wrongs,

but justification never came.

I loved you. Didn't I?

I took your hits of blame and control,

seeded with the weight of the hurt you carry,

always thinking I was waiting for you to heal.

And since I loved you enough to stick around

and be understanding of where you have been,

I thought that things would get better.

But redemption never came.

We never got better. We could never heal

from the ways you threw my pearls before the swine

time and time again.

And the damned thing is, I let you.

I handed them to you. It must be my fault.

People are supposed to learn from their mistakes

and grow stronger and wiser in time.

So I thought I was learning. I thought I was being refined.

But sanctification never came.

Maybe you were right.

We were never friends or dating

because after dating, I couldn't just be your friend.

And after being hurt, I couldn't truly be with you

because there were just too many walls.

Donc, le chagrin qui marque mon coeur--

le chagrin que j'ai apporté pour si longtemps--

il doit être tué.

Why? Because I can live without you.

And it's time I started resting in that truth

so that my restoration can come.