Tuesday, April 23, 2013

writing a good story: part 1

For the last few weeks, I've really been wanting to exercise. But finding the time to do so is very difficult, especially because right now we are a week away from moving! I've been feeling like I don't do anything for me, and my entire life is consumed by taking care of Blake. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom more than anything, but I know that I need some time for me. So today, my mom came over and babysat Blake while I went for a run outside. It was a short run, but I'm very proud of myself for lasting through it. And it was so rejuvenating to get some time by myself doing something that I enjoy. AND I'm hoping to get rid of some of this excess fat, so it feels good to actually do something about that!

Before Blake was born, I dreamed big dreams of running a half marathon in September. I thought to myself, if I can give birth, I can do anything! Well, as it turns out, I didn't technically give birth, so that makes me wonder if I really can do anything. And then there's that darned aspect of being busy all the time. But you see, this isn't about being a long distance runner or losing fat or anything. This is about writing a good story with my life.

Living my life passionately by, for example, striving for goals like half marathons, is what will show Blake what life is about. He will learn what it means to live a good story from observing me. Watching me live life passionately will give him the desire to find what he loves and to go out and do it!

One of my favorite poets, Rumi, says "Let the beauty you love be what you do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground." And what I hear in that is that living your life passionately is worship to God! Of course, Rumi wasn't a Christian, so I'm just taking my own interpretation there. But my point is that it's so important to me that I keep doing the things I have always enjoyed, like running and singing, because I want to show Blake how to live a full life. Believe me, I love to sit and watch TV, but I want Blake to have a childhood full of adventures and fun rather than lots of memories of funny commercials and good TV shows.

Lately, I'm very inspired by people I know who have changed their lives completely by choosing to exercise and eat right. THIS is what tells me that I can do anything, since they have proven that they can. So do I still have a goal of running a half marathon in September? I just might! So who's going to babysit in September for me while I run a race? ;-)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

my mother in law

Last week, on Easter Sunday, my mother in law passed away suddenly. TJ's mom Betty had MS for 7 years, and it was really getting worse and worse right before she passed. Because of her disease, we knew that she only had a few years to live yet, but we really thought she had a few years. We were crushed at the news, but at the same time, we have a lot of peace. We are certain that she was in a lot of pain, even though she never let us know how much. She just always said that she was blessed. This is a huge challenge to the rest of us who remain! If my mother in law, who in her last days was confined to a hospital bed, could recognize and appreciate how she was blessed, the rest of us have no excuse to complain! I think of this often, since I do like to complain about little things.

We got the news that Betty was having trouble breathing and was likely having a heart attack while we were at my Grandma's house. We rushed home and started packing to go, even though we didn't really know what was going on. While we were packing, TJ got the phone call that she had passed. It was a mix of emotions. It was one of those moments that sort of feels like slow motion. You sort of go outside of your body as if you're watching yourself in a movie and say, "Is this really happening?"

Packing took a long time since we had never traveled with Blake overnight before. I was heartbroken at the news, overwhelmed at the task of packing, and anxious about how Blake would handle the change in environment. I managed to pack well for Blake, decent for TJ, and poorly for me.

The week was really meaningful for all of us kids because we got to spend time all together as a family. TJ's sister got to meet Blake for the first time. But Blake was all out of sorts. He wasn't eating regularly, and he wasn't sleeping as well. And to top it all off, by the end of the week, we all caught a cold. When it rains, it pours, I suppose. I don't even know how to begin to grieve the loss of Mom Rieger, and even if I did, I feel like I don't have the time to because all my time and energy goes to Blake. I wanted to spend last week supporting TJ, but, again, I had to take care of Blake. Taking care of Blake felt like a nuisance sometimes last week, but I was comforted in hearing Mom Rieger's voice telling me that taking care of him was the most important thing.

Mom Rieger was an incredible woman full of faith. I will miss her so much. She will not be here to see Blake grow up. She won't be here when I need to call someone for advice or encouragement. It is a huge loss for our family. In all the busyness of last week, I didn't get a moment to sit back and let it sink in, but now that I'm at home and can relax a little more, I'm really starting to feel the loss. I feel it more for Blake than for me because he will not know his Grandma. It's funny how God works. With her MS, she would have lost her sight soon and would not have been able to see Blake, but now that she has passed, she can watch over us and see him any time she wants to.