34 weeks: hey santa?

TJ and I have been discussing lately what we plan on doing with the whole Santa issue with our kids. We know that our parents and other family members will want to play up Santa, but we aren't sure about it because we want to make sure that our kids know the real reason for Christmas. It's no simple task to tell your children that Santa doesn't exist, though, because all the other kids will be talking about Santa once they get to school. I was one of those jerks in first grade who told others that Santa didn't exist, and I would hate for our kids to be like that. And how do you explain all the Santa decorations around peoples' houses?

My vision for Christmas is for our family to go out together every year to pick out gifts to donate to children who are less fortunate. I would love for our kids to be able to think about others and put aside their own desires at the toy store so they can bless another kid their age. But how do you incorporate Santa into that vision? How do you explain why Santa doesn't go to those kids' houses?

I would love to hear other Christian parents' advice on this topic because it's really important to us to focus on Jesus rather than the greed that so easily infects kids around the holidays. This isn't an easy decision to make, but thank God, we have another year until we have to deal with it. I don't quite have a satisfactory answer yet, but all I know is what some friends and mentors have told us to keep in the back of our minds about any decision: What are your family values, and what decision will be consistent with those values?

When it comes to the Christmas holiday, our family values are to enjoy time with family and to bless others. Jesus has to be at the center of everything we do, and during the Christmas season, that will be even more important to keep in mind as the focus of Christmas can too easily be about presents and busyness.

32 weeks

Our little "nursery" in the corner of our room. It's quite cozy!

So we bought our crib a few weeks ago, and TJ was going to put it together that night. But when we opened the box, the backboard piece had a few huge scratches in it! So I called the company, and they said they would mail us a new piece. So we waited patiently and got that piece about two weeks later. TJ opened that box and got ready, for the second time, to put the crib together, and this piece was scratched too! I was so upset. The scratches were not as bad on the second piece, so we decided to just go with it.

TJ put about 75% of the crib together, and then he realized that he had switched a left and a right pole. So he basically would have to take apart everything and start at the beginning. He was so frustrated! At that point, it was 10:30 at night, so I told him he had to wait until the next day to do it.

Anyway, as you can see, the crib is finished! We bought a cute mobile, and thanks to my lovely sister in law Amber, we had some cute stickers to put on the wall. I'll tell you what, if this boy doesn't grow up to love animals... well, let's just say, he is most likely going to either love animals or hate them based on the exorbitant amounts of animal prints he is going to see around him.

I'm at 32 weeks. Baby and Mom are both healthy, so I can't complain too much. I've been having some pain that the midwife said is probably caused by a varicose vain. It is painful to walk most of the time and to switch to my other side when sleeping. I'm 1.5 lbs heavier than I wish I was right now, since my goal is to gain no more than the recommended 30 lbs.

30 weeks: Baby Shower #1

So I haven't written in a while, but I figured I should post something about my baby shower. While this picture looks quite bare, I promise there was a baby shower here before this picture was taken!

No, the shower was not completely a surprise, and here's why... I had asked ahead of time that the shower not be a surprise, just because I have been super busy and really wanted to plan around it. My mom wanted it to be a surprise, so she didn't want to tell me when it was, which I was actually going to accept, but I wanted to explain how I felt first. While explaining my feelings, I got a little hormonal and cried. She thought I was really upset, so she blurted out the date. So I knew the date, but I did not know the location or the time.

Anyway, the shower was a really nice time. I was really touched by everyone who showed up to celebrate our baby boy. We got to see some friends we haven't seen in a while, and we got some really great gifts. It was particularly meaningful for me to spend some time celebrating our baby and just feeling support from everyone during this huge change in life.

As I've grown older, I now realize how important it is to support friends and family during these big changes in life. Support from others makes this whole thing a lot less scary and overwhelming. I know our son will be well loved, and for that, I am so thankful.

27 weeks: Childbirth Fears

(My dad and me at my cousin's wedding last weekend)

So last night we went to our baby checkup class, and I was given a consent form that basically laid out all the risks involved in childbirth and what the hospital might do. I guess they like to cover their bases in case something goes wrong. What the form doesn't say is that the risks on the form are not something that happens to every woman or even a lot of women.

Here is the basis of what the form said, from my point of view:

1. We might need to cut you down there, and we probably won't tell you that we're doing it. This may cause you infection, pain during sex, or incontinence. Oh, and you could tear more after we cut you, and it might cut into your rectum.
2. We might need to stick forceps or a vacuum up you to pull the baby's head out. This might damage your child's head or brain permanently.
3. There's basically no point in refusing to sign this form because we doctors know a lot more than you and can and will, therefore, take advantage of you and your health insurance provider.

WHAT?!! You want me to sign this?

This is the first time I freaked out about childbirth. I've always figured that it's a natural thing that women have been doing since the beginning of time. If they can do it, I can do it. But last night, I started thinking, if they can cut me down there, and I don't feel anything, how much pain must I already be in?! My mind started going through all the physical pain that I've experienced in my lifetime, and I tried to imagine all of those physical pains happening all at once. Yep, it's going to hurt worse than that. Oh crap, why didn't we adopt? I knew we should have thought this through a little more.

Furthermore, this consent form, while it presents the extreme cases of things that could go wrong, shows me just how much this isn't in my control. Now I understand why they say to be flexible about your birth plan.

I wish I had some kind of nice conclusion to this, but I think it's just a normal emotion that all pregnant women must go through at some point. I just happened to pick a bad time, namely, during prenatal yoga exercises at a baby class. The only nice conclusion-y thing I can say is that while this whole thing isn't in my control, it IS in God's control. So after I go through my freak out phase, I will be comforted in knowing that God is going to get me through childbirth safely and bring our beautiful boy into the world.

What I Want To Teach My Son: 26 Weeks

My 10 year old cousin asked me recently what is the first thing I'm going to teach my baby. I didn't have a good answer at the time because I haven't thought about the things I would teach my son when he's a baby, but I've thought extensively about what I want to teach my son when he's older.
 
Here are a few of those things:

1. The world doesn't revolve around you. You can't have everything you want. You can't get all the attention all the time.
2. Love God. Love others. Put others before yourself. Be loving, be giving, be kind.
3. Respect others. Respect your parents. Respect older people. And when it comes time to address this, respect women.
4. Be strong. Stand up for your beliefs. Don't give in to others when they are doing something you know is wrong.
5. Be hard working. Try your best at everything you do. Have dreams and go for them. Take every opportunity.
6. Be amazed by the world's beauty. Appreciate nature. Appreciate good music. Appreciate laughter.
7. Be honest. Keep your promises. Do not steal. Do not hit others. 
8. You are not better than anyone else. It doesn't matter what color their skin is, how smart they are or aren't, if they're good or bad at sports or music, or if they are good looking or not. And on the flip side, no one else is better than you. You might think someone else is better looking or a better athlete, but that doesn't take away from who you are.

It's a short list, but I know these are lofty goals. I pray for my son all the time, and I pray that God will equip TJ and me to be good parents. And I know that God is going to honor that request because that's what He desires too, even though I know we will not be perfect and definitely will mess up on multiple occasions.

I fear my children making bad decisions in the future. Not the kind that just have sucky consequences you have to deal with and learn lessons from, but the serious kind. It doesn't help that I'm reading a book about a school shooting that speaks mostly from the shooter's mother's perspective. BUT in all this fear, I know that God is sovereign, and that my son is His child, first and foremost. I have some more awesome stuff to say about that, but I'll save that for later. For now, I'll just say that our God is good, and I know that when I pray for my son's future salvation in Christ, God is going to honor that because that's what He desires, too.

22 weeks

Here I am at 22 weeks at the Philly Zoo. I'm starting to get really big! About a week ago, I was changing my clothes and happened to look in the mirror, and GASP! I saw stretch marks. Right across my belly. There goes my dreams of wearing a bikini every again! Other changes that have been occurring are my feet swelling. I especially noticed it today after walking around the zoo for the entire day. My feet just don't seem to fit in my sneakers anymore! I'm waiting for people I interact with at the post office and places like that to notice that I'm pregnant and ask me about it in an excited tone. Maybe people don't do that in real life, for fear of offending someone who looks pregnant but actually isn't. But the fact that people aren't asking me about it makes me feel like they just think I'm getting fat. haha!

So here's the question we are getting all the time now: "have you thought about baby names?" The answer is, yes, we have. But I would really like to keep it a secret until his birth. TJ doesn't necessarily agree with that, but he's been sweet about it and is willing to comply. That being said, we aren't going to tell you the baby's name unless you fall under one of these categories:

a. our mom

b. our dad

c. our sister

d. our brother

And hey, maybe I'll change my mind further along, but for now, you will just have to wait for the surprise!

Choosing a baby name is an interesting process. My problem was that I had a bit of an inkling that it was a boy, and I was calling him, in my head, this name that I really liked that TJ had said he really liked too. So by the time we actually had to discuss what we would name him, I was already stuck on this name. Also, I know our baby better than TJ does at this point, so TJ would suggest some names that I just vetoed, not because it wasn't a nice name, but because I just knew that wasn't who our son is. We kept getting offended when we suggested a name that the other person didn't like, even though it's not really anything personal. And TJ suggested some names that I said we had to google image that name to see what ethnicity people of that name were. (I can't think of any good examples, though.) Anyway, the name we finally landed on was the result of insomnia. We made the mistake of discussing baby names right before bed, and then I couldn't sleep because I didn't feel settled. I paired every boy name I could think of with the first name we had already chosen, and after I came up with a good name, I finally fell asleep. And the next day, we decided that it was the perfect name!

20.5 weeks: Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I recently read about this guy Nick Vujicic, a 29 year old man who was born without arms or legs. His parents had no idea that he was going to come out like that, so when the nurse laid him beside his mother, she said, "Take him away." She didn't hold him until he was four months old. His father had to leave the delivery room to vomit. It was a huge test to his parents' faith, who were both Christians. Now Nick is a motivational speaker, who travels the world preaching the gospel and the goodness of God, above your circumstances. People are so touched by his story and his attitude about his life, and it's just the most inspiring thing to see him testify about Jesus and never let anything hold him back from living a full life.

When I heard his story, my thoughts went instantly to his parents. In the difficulties of having a son with such a handicap, how could they have possibly known what God would do with Nick's life and how He would use Nick to inspire millions of people? They didn't know. They could have given him up for adoption. They could have told him he couldn't do anything due to his handicap. But they didn't. They raised their son the best way they could, focusing on the things that he could do instead of what he couldn't, and they trusted God with the rest.

Nick's story is a reminder of Psalm 139, which has been really striking me these days as I think of my own son. "You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." God is knitting together my son right now in my womb. My son is fearfully and wonderfully made. It's scary to bring a child into this world when there are so many challenges that could arise, but if God is knitting my son together, then there's no way to go wrong. Now I have seen my son's arms and legs, so we won't have that particular struggle, but who knows whether our son will develop autism. Who knows whether he will get cancer. Only the Lord knows.

His promise isn't that we will have a good looking son, who is intelligent, athletic, and will become a dentist someday (as per his mother's request). His promise is that He, personally, has knit together my son. My son is fearfully and wonderfully made by our Father God. I only know my son in a very limited manner right now. But God knows everything about my son. And in that truth, I can rest knowing that my sovereign God is knitting together something Good (yes, with a capital G).

20 weeks-IT'S A BOY!

Well, the wait is over, folks! We found out on Friday... that it's a boy! I was a little disappointed at first, to be honest, because I really wanted a girl. But I'm just so glad to know. It feels so much more real now that I know I have a son.

But now comes the hard part: giving him a name. We had a name picked out for a girl, and we were waiting to discuss boy names until we found out if that was actually necessary. I know we have time to work on this, but it's a hard process because we both take it personally when the other person doesn't like the name that we like. Don't expect me to tell what we land on, though. That will be a secret until he's born (at least to those outside of our family and closest friends).

They're making us go back in a month for another ultrasound. It has something to do with the umbilical cord being on the side which might affect the growth of the baby. I don't know. Nothing serious, but they want to make sure just in case.

Now for pictures...

 So my belly isn't always quite this huge, but since it's the end of the night, it's protruding. By the way, I know it's hard to look at anything other than my giant boobs and stomach, but I got 6 inches (at least) cut off from my hair. No one noticed!

Here is the pack and play we bought for our baby. We will be using this instead of a crib. I'm in full nesting mode!

This is an art project I'm working on for the baby. The tree trunk has the lyrics to "I Hope You Dance." I'm still deciding what else I want to add.

good parenting begins before birth-16 weeks

So at about 14 weeks, my weekly pregnancy e-mails were telling me that the baby can hear me talking. This has ensued many conversations in which I look like I crazy person talking to myself, when in reality, I'm talking to the baby. I've told the baby all about summer and how it's very hot out, but we get to go to the beach, but then in the winter, it's cold, and we get to play in the snow. I have lots of random conversations with the baby, for the most part.

But once I knew the baby could hear us talking, I became a lot more aware of my language. It's not that I curse a lot because, honestly, I don't. But oddly enough, now that I'm trying not to swear, I'm doing it more. It's terrible! But it's better that I'm wrestling with this issue now than when the baby comes. So pray for me and TJ that we would be able to guard our tongues better!

In church today, I was getting choked up thinking about how our baby could hear us singing worship songs. I realized, in very deep way, that those are the things I want our baby to hear. I want our baby to hear us worshiping God. I want our baby to hear me saying, "I love you" to his/her father. I want our baby to hear us giving encouragement to others and being joyful and optimistic about things.

So I guess being a good parent starts while the baby is still in the womb. It feels like a lot of pressure sometimes, but I'm glad to realize that now while we still have time to change our hearts and correct behaviors like cursing so that we can teach our children by being strong examples ourselves.

14 weeks

This picture is of my friend Debby and me. Debby is due in a little over a month! I traveled to the far reaches of the earth (or what felt like it, anyway) to get to her baby shower, but it was well worth it! It's so exciting to be pregnant the same time as some of my friends.

This past weekend was Debby's baby shower, but it was also our Sunday school class's camping retreat. TJ and I aren't really into camping (least of all, me), but we were planning to camp out anyway. I didn't want to be the people who didn't stay overnight. However, during one of my numerous midnight pee breaks a few days before the retreat, I really started thinking about the logistics of me staying over. We had to walk about 5 minutes away (if we used the shortcut through the woods) to get to the bathroom from the campsite. And it was questionable whether the weather would cooperate or not. Plus I've been having trouble sleeping due to my back hurting and trying to sleep on my left side, as recommended. All of these factors led us to the decision to come home to sleep during the retreat. I definitely think it was the best decision.

There are a few things I really wanted to do this summer that I have had to forgo as a pregnant woman:
a.  Hershey Park's new roller coaster
b.  George May's 360 degree swing
c.  Skydiving
d.  Riding my bike a lot
e.  Open bar at weddings

Those are just a few of the things that I've had to postpone, but it's well worth it for our beautiful baby!

Most recent craving: Potato soup
Baby's heart beat at last doctor's appointment: 158 bpm.

12 weeks

It's been a while since I've written, but I have been just way too exhausted and stressed to write. I'm at 12 weeks now, but not much has changed. I am definitely still just as tired, but, on the brighter side, less nauseous.

Work has been very stressful due to Mrs. Cho... Mrs. Cho is my boss's friend who has come to help out for a few weeks. What is she helping out with? Cooking and cleaning. The problem with this is that it has rendered me useless. At  first I felt stressed because there was nothing for me to do since she took over all my normal jobs (even though she wasn't supposed to). But it turned into her ordering me around and not thinking that I did things fast enough. ANYWAY my point is, I've been stressed, but she is leaving on Wednesday, and then cooking and cleaning is my turf again. (Wait, why do I want her to leave?!)

I don't know if it's the stress or the hormones or a combination of the two, but I have been so emotional and anxious lately. I think it's just that now that I'm in my second trimester, this is all becoming so much more real. I'm a little scared, I have to admit. So I focus my anxious energies on worrying that there isn't enough space for a baby in our apartment. I will still maintain that this may be actually true, BUT I can confess that I am just a little overly stressed.

Prime example--one night when we were about to get ready for bed, I started freaking out that we had too much stuff and no room for a baby. So I cleaned off the bottom shelf of our DVD bookshelf, and then I felt like I could breathe because now there was room. While it was a little crazy, my intentions were good. I really do feel like we have too much stuff, and I just don't want to feel so self-centered by having so much stuff. Over the next week, TJ and I went through some of our clothes and books and DVDS and picked out some things to donate. It's a start, anyway. We are not only preparing our apartment to make room for a baby, we are preparing our hearts for a huge change in our lives, and I can think of no better way to start than by putting ourselves aside and learning to put our baby first. And in all of it, we're learning to trust God in newer and bigger ways.

10 Weeks Ultrasound

So last Friday we went to our 10 week ultrasound. First off, I pulled my shirt up and expected the cold gel on my stomach, but instead, they put the gel somewhere else... That is NOT the kind of ultrasound you see on movies. But it was the most incredible thing. We saw our baby and heard her heartbeat. She had ears and arms and legs. She had her legs crossed like she was just hanging out. It was so amazing!

But later that night, I got to thinking about our baby's due date... February 2nd. I started my insurance on Feb 1st this past year, so my insurance deductible will be starting over again one day before the due date. This put me in an anxious frenzy. If I have the baby in February, we will be paying the entire hospital bill. Obviously if this happens, we will survive. But it's pretty daunting. So now I'm researching the old wives tales of how to induce labor early. Believe me, I will be trying them come January 25th or so!

9 Weeks-Starting to Gain Weight

Here I am at Megan's wedding this past weekend. We had some people at the wedding we wanted to tell about the pregnancy--people who are old friends, but not necessarily close friends at this stage in life. But one of TJ's friends from college came up to me and asked me if I was pregnant (and told me to slap her if she was wrong) so I told her yes. Well, pretty soon everyone knew. So we went to tell others, and they just said, "I know already." It took the fun out of telling people, and at the same time, it saved us some repetitive conversations. But I was self-conscious the rest of the night because while I can tell I've gained a few pounds, I didn't realize it was noticeable enough that someone would be able to tell that I'm pregnant. Maybe I have to start thinking more about healthy eating and stuff so that I don't gain weight too rapidly. I want to be a cute pregnant lady, not someone with too much cushioning. Plus I want to be healthy.

But onto something more serious... I'm struggling emotionally because my dad isn't happy about this baby. I think he will probably come around, but it's hard because I wish he wanted to be involved and hear updates about the baby's growth. Do I call him and tell him how our ultrasound goes on Friday? Do I even call him when we find out if it's a boy or a girl? My natural tendency is to say, "Fine, if you don't want to be involved, then I just won't call you at all." I just want to shut him out. I don't want his negative energy around my baby anyway. But something tells me that this isn't the right way to respond? It's a struggle though because I want my dad to be happy about this baby. I want him to be excited about a grandchild. But he's not, and I don't know what to do with that. I guess all I can do is pray that he comes around.

New Job= New Levels of Exhaustion

Current pregnancy symptoms:
1. Exhaustion
2. Nausea

These two symptoms are not helpful as I'm transitioning to a full time job and spending most of my time in a Korean kitchen. I just started my second week of work at SelahArt, and it has been so exhausting trying to adjust to a new job and new schedule. The job is going well. I've mostly been cooking and cleaning so far, so I'm calling myself "house mother." I mostly work by myself, and it's nice because it's laid back enough for me to take rest breaks when I need to.

I'm at 8 weeks now, and I've been lucky with the start of the new job that I haven't had any morning sickness. The nausea, though, is pretty unbearable sometimes. Korean food has such strong smells that I can't even open the refrigerator without gagging. She asked me to clean out the refrigerator and check if the food was good or bad, and I had to tell her no.

Anyway, we haven't told the general public yet that we are expecting. We figured we would tell them after my ultrasound, which was going to be next Tuesday, but we now had to reschedule it for next Friday. I'm disappointed to have to wait longer, but it's probably for the best. I'm so terrible with secrets!!

7 weeks

So TJ and I are about to celebrate our one year anniversary this coming Monday. We scheduled a trip for Bushkill Falls for June 13th and 14th (this past Wed and Thurs) before we knew I was pregnant. Which wasn't a problem once we found out about the baby because I wasn't experiencing any morning sickness or nausea. Until that morning. We woke up in the morning to get ready, and I just knew I was going to get sick. Then I had to get in the car for a 2.5 hour ride. It was a terrible start to our trip.

We ended up having a nice trip, though. The highlight, for me, was the spontaneous stop we made at the Snake and Animal Farm. They had tons of snakes, including a giant 27 foot snake. They had monkeys, lemurs, a black panther, black bear, goats, pigs, and alligators. The highlight of the trip for TJ was going to trivia that night at the place we had dinner. I enjoyed trivia, too, but was kind of sick during it because I had too much to eat for dinner. I'm in the process of mentally adjusting my eating habits because while I can normally eat four chicken fingers, I need to eat smaller amounts now. It's kind of a pain in the butt. Anyway, we had a nice anniversary which ended with a nice, long hike at Bushkill Falls.

Having morning sickness is a good kick in the pants for me because I was having trouble being committed to eating healthier and exercising the right amount that I should be for the baby's health. This nausea is a constant reminder that there is a baby inside of me that needs to be nourished and taken care of. It's a blessing in disguise, I guess you could say. (How long I'll be able to keep that mindset, only time will tell!)

TJ and I went to my first prenatal doctor visit today, but it was a bit of a letdown. They made me pee in a cup to confirm that I am, in fact, pregnant. Then we waited in the room for what felt like an eternity before the doctor came in and talked to us about what to expect. She told us the due date would be February 1st but that the ultrasound that I'll have in three weeks will be able to tell more specifically. I told her how I was worried that maybe I was further along than I thought, and she didn't dispel the idea immediately, which didn't help my worrying state. So now I guess I have to wait three weeks to end my anxiety, at least over that detail anyway.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

 
I'm going to try this blogging thing again and see how it goes. So yes, I am pregnant! Only about 5 weeks, so it's premature to have told almost anyone, but I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. I really should just lock myself in my room for the next two months so I don't end up telling every acquaintance and their mother.

TJ and I are so excited! We've been trying for about three months (I stopped taking the pill at the beginning of February). As excited as we are, the biggest emotion we've been feeling this past week is fear. As people who are naturally prone to anxiety, we've both been afraid of losing the baby in our own ways. I'm afraid of exercising the wrong way or falling down/slamming into something, which isn't farfetched at all, believe me. I'm afraid of eating the wrong foods and not having enough of the essential nutrients. And TJ is afraid of putting too much pressure on my stomach.

I also got afraid recently that I somehow got my period (last month) during pregnancy, and I'm really two months pregnant. Haha, wouldn't that be something! Now THAT'S absurd. In an odd way, I think I just want to justify how fat I feel. HAHA!

I'm wondering if these fears that TJ and I have are really about the changes that are occurring in our lives. It's not only our baby that will change our lives drastically, but I am about to start a brand new job. Oh, and we're thinking of moving to a new apartment. It's a lot going on at one time. It's not that I don't actually have a fear of losing our baby, but this fear is probably rooted in something bigger. I don't know hardly anything about pregnancy, and I know even less about babies. Especially the newborns who can't hold their heads up, that's terrifying!

Change is always scary, especially when it's this big. But this change is so GOOD. And we are so thankful--much more than we are afraid. This process takes a lot of faith because I don't know what's going on inside of my body at any given moment. All I can do is trust God and do what I can to be healthy and pray that He blesses us with a beautiful, healthy baby. Preferably a girl.