late 20's crisis

The biggest inner struggle of my life: jealousy. I thought I kicked my jealousy habit a while ago, but it has come back rearing its ugly green head lately. I'm not sure what exactly triggered it, but it is probably a combination of motherhood and late 20's-hood. I mean what the heck, when did I suddenly become 27 years old?! I never had much direction in life, so maybe that's how I ended up here without a job at 27 years old.  When I was in high school, I never knew what I wanted to do until senior year when I decided I wanted to be a civil rights lawyer. (Something I saw on Bridget Jones' Diary. Thanks a lot, Colin Firth!) My English teacher told me to go to Lebanon Valley College and major in English, so that's what I did. Then during college, I decided that studying cases was super boring, but I never decided on a new career path. I didn't decide to intern with InterVarsity until a week or so before graduation! Anyway, that's just a little bit of my story that illustrates my point-- that I lack determination.

I love being a stay at home mom, and I think it is very important for the development of my kid(s) that I stay home when they're young. So why do I feel like I'm inferior to other moms who work? I wish I had a meaningful job that I cared about. Would I actually want to be away from Blake 40+ hours per week? No. But still, it would be nice to be a person with a career, to be able to identify myself as working as a ______ at _______ doing _____. And it seems like other moms have worked it out well that they can work part time and still mostly stay home with their kids and get the best of both worlds. Why not me? Oh right, I have a B.A. in English and French. That's very in demand stuff...

The other part of this lack of career thing is the not making money part. It would be nice to feel productive by bringing home $___ paychecks. I wish we had more money and could buy a house. I wish we didn't have to wait to have another baby until TJ finds another job. I wish I could afford to buy clothes that fit me. I wish I could afford to run lots of local races. 

In general, I thought that by my late 20's, I would have life a little more put together. Established jobs for my husband and me, a house, a baby that sleeps through the night. I would write it off and say that's just not what the real world is like... BUT why does it seem like everyone else has it together?! I see the moms at church fitting nicely in their clothing. And they have nice hair. They don't seem like they're exhausted. They participate in discussions in Sunday school, and they volunteer in the nursery or elsewhere at church. But my clothes are either too tight or too big or have holes. My hair is most likely thrown in a pony tail. AND I'M EXHAUSTED! But how the hell can I be so exhausted when I don't feel like I accomplish anything ever?!! 

Am I a horrible person to admit that I feel jealous of these women at church? Well, that's how I feel. I have an adorable 12 month old that fusses a lot and likes to scream at night. It's EXHAUSTING. And my husband is on the lookout for a new job. That's SCARY. So I guess the conditions of my life right now are a breeding ground for this very ugly sin called envy. I'm not proud of it, but it feels nice to say it out loud. 

So what do you think? Do the others have it all together? Or do we all just have times where we feel like we don't measure up to others?

(By the way, I've been wanting to write this blog entry for quite a while now. But I lacked determination to open up my laptop.)