breastfeeding woes

while it may be inappropriate to say the word nipple on facebook, this is my private blog, and i can say whatever i want. nipple. nipple. nipple. by the way, i am writing from my phone again, so there will be no capital letters in this entry.

ten months ago, i wrote that breast might not be best for me. but thankfully, this did not turn out to be true. blake and i enjoyed a wonderful breastfeeding relationship for six months. i loved breastfeeding so much and was so thankful that we had not had any issues.

then, in august i started to feel sharp pain when blake would eat. turns out, i got a yeast infection in my breast. we could not put blake in his cloth diapers because they rubbed his inner thigh, and the yeast liked to congregate there. with treatment, the infection seemed to go away, so i tried blake in his cloth diapers again. bam! the yeast came back with a vengence.

here we are, four months later still dealing with this awful infection. the treatment that worked before is not working now. the pain is unbearable, and my nipples hardly look like nipples anymore.

so the question has returned: is breast best for us now? or do i have to consider weaning blake? my mom says blake will be alright without my milk, but i might not be okay. it is hard for me to deal with this though because i'm a bit of a hippie, and i would like to continue breastfeeding for quite a while yet. it has been one of the most holy experiences of my life to sustain my baby with my body. i don't want to give it up, but for the sake of my health, this might be the best way to go. i am so heartbroken about it, but i have to kick this yeast, first and foremost! blake needs a healthy mom more than he needs momma's milk.

the little things

forgive the all lowercase letters, but i am typing this from my phone and can't use uppercase letters for some unknown reason. i have something important and potentionally heavy to talk about, which is probably no surprise to you.

but first, the funny part of the story. i was feeding blake his early morning num num's aka the boob when he took himself off and pooped. a big one. and then he fell asleep right after, and he cuddled up on my arm. it was so sweet. but there was a matter of that poop to take care of... so i changed him. as i was throwing away his dirty diaper, he decided to pee on his pajamas. so then i changed his clothes.

i got back into bed with him, and i snuggled him. he started to close his eyes, but suddenly, he started to hiccup. there was no way he would fall asleep hiccuping, so i started praying for him. i told god i needed to know that he cares about the little things. and wouldn't you know it, blake's hiccups stopped a minute later.

why should god care if blake goes back to sleep or not? there is a lot of crap going on in the world that he should attend to before my son's hiccups, isn't there?

the next morning, i was talking to a friend of mine who told me about a serious issue in her family. i felt overwhelmed by the seriousness of the issue and began to pray. and as i prayed, i realized why it mattered so much to me that god takes care of the little things... the immediate results things. it matters because the little things, the answered prayers that i can visually see and comprehend, show me that god is listening. and he cares.

i need to know that god cares so that i can continue to pray for my friend's family in full faith that god acts! we can't always see the results of prayer for these big things because serious problems don't get solved overnight. but we absolutely must keep praying! god is listening. and if you have lost faith in him, i encourage you to ask for the little things, like for the hiccups to stop. i am not saying god will always take the hiccups away instantly. but he will show up and show you his presence. and if that presence is there through the small things, how much more will our compassionate and sovereign god be there for the big things! thank you, god!