30 weeks: Baby Shower #1

So I haven't written in a while, but I figured I should post something about my baby shower. While this picture looks quite bare, I promise there was a baby shower here before this picture was taken!

No, the shower was not completely a surprise, and here's why... I had asked ahead of time that the shower not be a surprise, just because I have been super busy and really wanted to plan around it. My mom wanted it to be a surprise, so she didn't want to tell me when it was, which I was actually going to accept, but I wanted to explain how I felt first. While explaining my feelings, I got a little hormonal and cried. She thought I was really upset, so she blurted out the date. So I knew the date, but I did not know the location or the time.

Anyway, the shower was a really nice time. I was really touched by everyone who showed up to celebrate our baby boy. We got to see some friends we haven't seen in a while, and we got some really great gifts. It was particularly meaningful for me to spend some time celebrating our baby and just feeling support from everyone during this huge change in life.

As I've grown older, I now realize how important it is to support friends and family during these big changes in life. Support from others makes this whole thing a lot less scary and overwhelming. I know our son will be well loved, and for that, I am so thankful.

27 weeks: Childbirth Fears

(My dad and me at my cousin's wedding last weekend)

So last night we went to our baby checkup class, and I was given a consent form that basically laid out all the risks involved in childbirth and what the hospital might do. I guess they like to cover their bases in case something goes wrong. What the form doesn't say is that the risks on the form are not something that happens to every woman or even a lot of women.

Here is the basis of what the form said, from my point of view:

1. We might need to cut you down there, and we probably won't tell you that we're doing it. This may cause you infection, pain during sex, or incontinence. Oh, and you could tear more after we cut you, and it might cut into your rectum.
2. We might need to stick forceps or a vacuum up you to pull the baby's head out. This might damage your child's head or brain permanently.
3. There's basically no point in refusing to sign this form because we doctors know a lot more than you and can and will, therefore, take advantage of you and your health insurance provider.

WHAT?!! You want me to sign this?

This is the first time I freaked out about childbirth. I've always figured that it's a natural thing that women have been doing since the beginning of time. If they can do it, I can do it. But last night, I started thinking, if they can cut me down there, and I don't feel anything, how much pain must I already be in?! My mind started going through all the physical pain that I've experienced in my lifetime, and I tried to imagine all of those physical pains happening all at once. Yep, it's going to hurt worse than that. Oh crap, why didn't we adopt? I knew we should have thought this through a little more.

Furthermore, this consent form, while it presents the extreme cases of things that could go wrong, shows me just how much this isn't in my control. Now I understand why they say to be flexible about your birth plan.

I wish I had some kind of nice conclusion to this, but I think it's just a normal emotion that all pregnant women must go through at some point. I just happened to pick a bad time, namely, during prenatal yoga exercises at a baby class. The only nice conclusion-y thing I can say is that while this whole thing isn't in my control, it IS in God's control. So after I go through my freak out phase, I will be comforted in knowing that God is going to get me through childbirth safely and bring our beautiful boy into the world.

What I Want To Teach My Son: 26 Weeks

My 10 year old cousin asked me recently what is the first thing I'm going to teach my baby. I didn't have a good answer at the time because I haven't thought about the things I would teach my son when he's a baby, but I've thought extensively about what I want to teach my son when he's older.
 
Here are a few of those things:

1. The world doesn't revolve around you. You can't have everything you want. You can't get all the attention all the time.
2. Love God. Love others. Put others before yourself. Be loving, be giving, be kind.
3. Respect others. Respect your parents. Respect older people. And when it comes time to address this, respect women.
4. Be strong. Stand up for your beliefs. Don't give in to others when they are doing something you know is wrong.
5. Be hard working. Try your best at everything you do. Have dreams and go for them. Take every opportunity.
6. Be amazed by the world's beauty. Appreciate nature. Appreciate good music. Appreciate laughter.
7. Be honest. Keep your promises. Do not steal. Do not hit others. 
8. You are not better than anyone else. It doesn't matter what color their skin is, how smart they are or aren't, if they're good or bad at sports or music, or if they are good looking or not. And on the flip side, no one else is better than you. You might think someone else is better looking or a better athlete, but that doesn't take away from who you are.

It's a short list, but I know these are lofty goals. I pray for my son all the time, and I pray that God will equip TJ and me to be good parents. And I know that God is going to honor that request because that's what He desires too, even though I know we will not be perfect and definitely will mess up on multiple occasions.

I fear my children making bad decisions in the future. Not the kind that just have sucky consequences you have to deal with and learn lessons from, but the serious kind. It doesn't help that I'm reading a book about a school shooting that speaks mostly from the shooter's mother's perspective. BUT in all this fear, I know that God is sovereign, and that my son is His child, first and foremost. I have some more awesome stuff to say about that, but I'll save that for later. For now, I'll just say that our God is good, and I know that when I pray for my son's future salvation in Christ, God is going to honor that because that's what He desires, too.

22 weeks

Here I am at 22 weeks at the Philly Zoo. I'm starting to get really big! About a week ago, I was changing my clothes and happened to look in the mirror, and GASP! I saw stretch marks. Right across my belly. There goes my dreams of wearing a bikini every again! Other changes that have been occurring are my feet swelling. I especially noticed it today after walking around the zoo for the entire day. My feet just don't seem to fit in my sneakers anymore! I'm waiting for people I interact with at the post office and places like that to notice that I'm pregnant and ask me about it in an excited tone. Maybe people don't do that in real life, for fear of offending someone who looks pregnant but actually isn't. But the fact that people aren't asking me about it makes me feel like they just think I'm getting fat. haha!

So here's the question we are getting all the time now: "have you thought about baby names?" The answer is, yes, we have. But I would really like to keep it a secret until his birth. TJ doesn't necessarily agree with that, but he's been sweet about it and is willing to comply. That being said, we aren't going to tell you the baby's name unless you fall under one of these categories:

a. our mom

b. our dad

c. our sister

d. our brother

And hey, maybe I'll change my mind further along, but for now, you will just have to wait for the surprise!

Choosing a baby name is an interesting process. My problem was that I had a bit of an inkling that it was a boy, and I was calling him, in my head, this name that I really liked that TJ had said he really liked too. So by the time we actually had to discuss what we would name him, I was already stuck on this name. Also, I know our baby better than TJ does at this point, so TJ would suggest some names that I just vetoed, not because it wasn't a nice name, but because I just knew that wasn't who our son is. We kept getting offended when we suggested a name that the other person didn't like, even though it's not really anything personal. And TJ suggested some names that I said we had to google image that name to see what ethnicity people of that name were. (I can't think of any good examples, though.) Anyway, the name we finally landed on was the result of insomnia. We made the mistake of discussing baby names right before bed, and then I couldn't sleep because I didn't feel settled. I paired every boy name I could think of with the first name we had already chosen, and after I came up with a good name, I finally fell asleep. And the next day, we decided that it was the perfect name!

20.5 weeks: Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I recently read about this guy Nick Vujicic, a 29 year old man who was born without arms or legs. His parents had no idea that he was going to come out like that, so when the nurse laid him beside his mother, she said, "Take him away." She didn't hold him until he was four months old. His father had to leave the delivery room to vomit. It was a huge test to his parents' faith, who were both Christians. Now Nick is a motivational speaker, who travels the world preaching the gospel and the goodness of God, above your circumstances. People are so touched by his story and his attitude about his life, and it's just the most inspiring thing to see him testify about Jesus and never let anything hold him back from living a full life.

When I heard his story, my thoughts went instantly to his parents. In the difficulties of having a son with such a handicap, how could they have possibly known what God would do with Nick's life and how He would use Nick to inspire millions of people? They didn't know. They could have given him up for adoption. They could have told him he couldn't do anything due to his handicap. But they didn't. They raised their son the best way they could, focusing on the things that he could do instead of what he couldn't, and they trusted God with the rest.

Nick's story is a reminder of Psalm 139, which has been really striking me these days as I think of my own son. "You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." God is knitting together my son right now in my womb. My son is fearfully and wonderfully made. It's scary to bring a child into this world when there are so many challenges that could arise, but if God is knitting my son together, then there's no way to go wrong. Now I have seen my son's arms and legs, so we won't have that particular struggle, but who knows whether our son will develop autism. Who knows whether he will get cancer. Only the Lord knows.

His promise isn't that we will have a good looking son, who is intelligent, athletic, and will become a dentist someday (as per his mother's request). His promise is that He, personally, has knit together my son. My son is fearfully and wonderfully made by our Father God. I only know my son in a very limited manner right now. But God knows everything about my son. And in that truth, I can rest knowing that my sovereign God is knitting together something Good (yes, with a capital G).

20 weeks-IT'S A BOY!

Well, the wait is over, folks! We found out on Friday... that it's a boy! I was a little disappointed at first, to be honest, because I really wanted a girl. But I'm just so glad to know. It feels so much more real now that I know I have a son.

But now comes the hard part: giving him a name. We had a name picked out for a girl, and we were waiting to discuss boy names until we found out if that was actually necessary. I know we have time to work on this, but it's a hard process because we both take it personally when the other person doesn't like the name that we like. Don't expect me to tell what we land on, though. That will be a secret until he's born (at least to those outside of our family and closest friends).

They're making us go back in a month for another ultrasound. It has something to do with the umbilical cord being on the side which might affect the growth of the baby. I don't know. Nothing serious, but they want to make sure just in case.

Now for pictures...

 So my belly isn't always quite this huge, but since it's the end of the night, it's protruding. By the way, I know it's hard to look at anything other than my giant boobs and stomach, but I got 6 inches (at least) cut off from my hair. No one noticed!

Here is the pack and play we bought for our baby. We will be using this instead of a crib. I'm in full nesting mode!

This is an art project I'm working on for the baby. The tree trunk has the lyrics to "I Hope You Dance." I'm still deciding what else I want to add.

good parenting begins before birth-16 weeks

So at about 14 weeks, my weekly pregnancy e-mails were telling me that the baby can hear me talking. This has ensued many conversations in which I look like I crazy person talking to myself, when in reality, I'm talking to the baby. I've told the baby all about summer and how it's very hot out, but we get to go to the beach, but then in the winter, it's cold, and we get to play in the snow. I have lots of random conversations with the baby, for the most part.

But once I knew the baby could hear us talking, I became a lot more aware of my language. It's not that I curse a lot because, honestly, I don't. But oddly enough, now that I'm trying not to swear, I'm doing it more. It's terrible! But it's better that I'm wrestling with this issue now than when the baby comes. So pray for me and TJ that we would be able to guard our tongues better!

In church today, I was getting choked up thinking about how our baby could hear us singing worship songs. I realized, in very deep way, that those are the things I want our baby to hear. I want our baby to hear us worshiping God. I want our baby to hear me saying, "I love you" to his/her father. I want our baby to hear us giving encouragement to others and being joyful and optimistic about things.

So I guess being a good parent starts while the baby is still in the womb. It feels like a lot of pressure sometimes, but I'm glad to realize that now while we still have time to change our hearts and correct behaviors like cursing so that we can teach our children by being strong examples ourselves.