here we go again...

I found out after the MS Walk that... I was pregnant. I told TJ before we looked at the results, "Either we are pregnant now, or I'm going on birth control." We went back and forth so many times about whether the timing was "good" or not. Apparently, this is the time God chose for us. We had just started trying! But according to my last period, I was 8 weeks pregnant already. Which was awesome. So I called the doctor and made an appointment right away and, also, signed up for an ultrasound because we just wanted to make sure about the due date because I had taken pregnancy tests that turned out negative when they should have been positive.

At the ultrasound, this is what I saw:

The ultrasound tech said I was only 5 weeks along. Which was disappointing. But then she scared the crap out of me by saying I needed to get another ultrasound in two weeks to make sure IF there's still an embryo. Uhh... IF?! So for two weeks, I was a mess. And part of me thought, well, maybe God DOESN'T think now is the right timing for another baby... I tried to relax, though. I have always had irregular periods, so it made sense that I was not as far along. My due date went from December 7th to (by my calculations) December 31st. 

After two weeks, I went back and saw this:

There's a little peanut in there! What a relief! She measured me at 6 weeks and 6 days. Which set me back even further! Peanut's new due date is January 2nd. Seriously, little one?! Don't know you anything about the importance of tax credits? ;-)

I was reassured during my two week anxious waiting period because I was having terrible nausea! It was awful. But it has not been bad for the past few days, which is great. I'm also having a lot of aversions, so the foods I have been eating has not always been the healthiest. Sandwiches, pastas, cheese. But I'm going to try my hardest to be healthier this time around, including lots of exercise!

Baby has already run two 5ks! 

On a different note, we have sent postcards to TJ's family with the first picture on this post (the math equation) as an announcement that we were expecting, and we never heard from anyone. And we gave the postcards out to my family at Mother's Day, and there wasn't much response. This is incredibly difficult for us because there is a lot of unknown in our life right now. TJ is looking for a new job, and we are currently living at my Dad's house (with, most likely, no option to stay because there's no room for another baby here.) Is that why we haven't heard a response? Because people think we made the wrong decision? I don't know. But Little Peanut is coming, and we could use the support. And we would like to celebrate! We haven't had much chance to celebrate, between the anxiousness of whether the second ultrasound would show progress or not and the lack of support from family. My friends are really happy for us, which is great. But family support is a whole different ballgame.

Have we wondered whether now is a good time or not? Well, who defines good timing? God does. Not me. So ready or not, here we go again... 

the big race

At the beginning of this year, I asked my brother to sign up for Philly's Hot Chocolate 15k race. It took 10 weeks of training, which was ALL INDOORS due to the weather and having a baby. And no, I don't have a treadmill. I ran in place. Seriously, I could jog in place forever. But when it came time for the race, I felt pretty unprepared. And terrified. I barely slept the night before because my heart wouldn't stop pounding. It was my first night ever without Blake, and it just figures that I didn't get to take advantage of sleeping through the night!

My brother and I started the race at the very end of the last group. This group was called "walkers," so we quickly passed by everyone in our group. After two miles, my brother ditched me, and I was left to pace for myself. The first five/six miles were easy, and then it started to get more difficult. Each mile marker seemed to get further and further away.

By the time that the running got more difficult, I stopped passing people and started to keep pace with the same group of people. There was a pregnant woman, an older woman, and an overweight man, among others. In my despair at the perceived extended length of mile 7-8 and 8-9, I started to feel bad about myself that these people could keep pace with me. Why couldn't I run faster? I'm not pregnant, old, OR overweight! But you know what "difficulty" I have? A weak mind. In fact, I almost bought a shirt to wear for the race that said "mind over matter" because THAT is what my struggle is. I had to overcome my mind that so easily wanted to make excuses about why I couldn't run the race that day and why I needed to walk instead of run. I had to tell myself that even if I didn't love where I was right now, it was where I was. So I might as well give it my all so that I don't have any regrets afterward. For me, that meant no walking. Even if it meant I ran really slowly when I needed to. And I did it.

The funny thing is that everyone was released in groups, and like I said earlier, we started at the very end of the last group. So the group I ended up keeping pace with, the pregnant woman, the older woman, and the overweight man, may have actually started their race 10 minutes before me. So while my mind is wandering with self-deprecating thoughts, these other runners may have actually had 10 more minutes on their clock than I did. Maybe and maybe not. I don't know what they were overcoming by running in that race. I don't know their stories. But we all have one. And that's why running is so powerful. We ALL have obstacles to overcome in life, and running a race proves to us that we can overcome! The definition of victory will be different for everyone. My victory was overcoming my mind and running the entire race. I'm not necessarily in a hurry to do a race like this again, but to know that I can makes me feel so powerful. It's a great feeling.

Best part of the race? When I saw TJ on the side lines at about 9.1 miles, and he ran with me across the finish line, hand in hand. That's something I will remember for the rest of my life. 

(By the way, this is not meant to say that I think I'm better than pregnant, older, or overweight people. Mad props to these people for running 9.3 mile races! My point is that I'm not better than them, but I'm also not lesser.)

Regrowing Lettuce: A Letter To Mom

 Dear Mom Rieger,
You left a big hole in our world when you went to heaven a year ago. Dad still doesn't know what to do with himself. And we are left to navigate parenting without your valuable advice and encouragement. Life is not the same without you.

Since you left, you have gained three more beautiful grandbabies. I love to picture your face beaming as it would be to see them all together and hear about them growing. I can just hear you telling story after story about how your babies gave you just as many headaches and more.

You might not be here to give us advice and encouragement as we go through the trials of parenting and marriage, but we have already learned many lessons from you. Even though I didn't have the privilege of knowing you for very long, I think of you often and am challenged to live my life in a more positive way because of your example.

I want to be more like you in my marriage. You and Dad went through many trials, but you stuck with it and came out stronger in the end. Your love for each other was so apparent to everyone. YOU made Dad a better man.

I want to be more like you as a mother. I want to raise good children like you did. I want to give them the best that I can, and I want them to know that I am always just a phone call away.

I want to be more like you as a woman. Your mobility may have been taken away, but you kept your spirit. You were always positive, and you always remembered that no matter what, you were blessed. You must have lived in pain, but you never wanted us to know it, and you never focused on yourself.

You should know that you have left behind a legacy. You might not be here anymore, but we will never forget you, and your memory will live on in our lives and in the lives of our children. Our children will never know you, but they will grow up hearing about you. They will hear about how deeply you and Poppop loved each other and how you were such a caring mother and how you called yourself "blessed" in the midst of disability. And they, too, will want to be more like you.

You are the roots to our lettuce. We will keep on growing because of YOU. 

late 20's crisis

The biggest inner struggle of my life: jealousy. I thought I kicked my jealousy habit a while ago, but it has come back rearing its ugly green head lately. I'm not sure what exactly triggered it, but it is probably a combination of motherhood and late 20's-hood. I mean what the heck, when did I suddenly become 27 years old?! I never had much direction in life, so maybe that's how I ended up here without a job at 27 years old.  When I was in high school, I never knew what I wanted to do until senior year when I decided I wanted to be a civil rights lawyer. (Something I saw on Bridget Jones' Diary. Thanks a lot, Colin Firth!) My English teacher told me to go to Lebanon Valley College and major in English, so that's what I did. Then during college, I decided that studying cases was super boring, but I never decided on a new career path. I didn't decide to intern with InterVarsity until a week or so before graduation! Anyway, that's just a little bit of my story that illustrates my point-- that I lack determination.

I love being a stay at home mom, and I think it is very important for the development of my kid(s) that I stay home when they're young. So why do I feel like I'm inferior to other moms who work? I wish I had a meaningful job that I cared about. Would I actually want to be away from Blake 40+ hours per week? No. But still, it would be nice to be a person with a career, to be able to identify myself as working as a ______ at _______ doing _____. And it seems like other moms have worked it out well that they can work part time and still mostly stay home with their kids and get the best of both worlds. Why not me? Oh right, I have a B.A. in English and French. That's very in demand stuff...

The other part of this lack of career thing is the not making money part. It would be nice to feel productive by bringing home $___ paychecks. I wish we had more money and could buy a house. I wish we didn't have to wait to have another baby until TJ finds another job. I wish I could afford to buy clothes that fit me. I wish I could afford to run lots of local races. 

In general, I thought that by my late 20's, I would have life a little more put together. Established jobs for my husband and me, a house, a baby that sleeps through the night. I would write it off and say that's just not what the real world is like... BUT why does it seem like everyone else has it together?! I see the moms at church fitting nicely in their clothing. And they have nice hair. They don't seem like they're exhausted. They participate in discussions in Sunday school, and they volunteer in the nursery or elsewhere at church. But my clothes are either too tight or too big or have holes. My hair is most likely thrown in a pony tail. AND I'M EXHAUSTED! But how the hell can I be so exhausted when I don't feel like I accomplish anything ever?!! 

Am I a horrible person to admit that I feel jealous of these women at church? Well, that's how I feel. I have an adorable 12 month old that fusses a lot and likes to scream at night. It's EXHAUSTING. And my husband is on the lookout for a new job. That's SCARY. So I guess the conditions of my life right now are a breeding ground for this very ugly sin called envy. I'm not proud of it, but it feels nice to say it out loud. 

So what do you think? Do the others have it all together? Or do we all just have times where we feel like we don't measure up to others?

(By the way, I've been wanting to write this blog entry for quite a while now. But I lacked determination to open up my laptop.)

breastfeeding woes

while it may be inappropriate to say the word nipple on facebook, this is my private blog, and i can say whatever i want. nipple. nipple. nipple. by the way, i am writing from my phone again, so there will be no capital letters in this entry.

ten months ago, i wrote that breast might not be best for me. but thankfully, this did not turn out to be true. blake and i enjoyed a wonderful breastfeeding relationship for six months. i loved breastfeeding so much and was so thankful that we had not had any issues.

then, in august i started to feel sharp pain when blake would eat. turns out, i got a yeast infection in my breast. we could not put blake in his cloth diapers because they rubbed his inner thigh, and the yeast liked to congregate there. with treatment, the infection seemed to go away, so i tried blake in his cloth diapers again. bam! the yeast came back with a vengence.

here we are, four months later still dealing with this awful infection. the treatment that worked before is not working now. the pain is unbearable, and my nipples hardly look like nipples anymore.

so the question has returned: is breast best for us now? or do i have to consider weaning blake? my mom says blake will be alright without my milk, but i might not be okay. it is hard for me to deal with this though because i'm a bit of a hippie, and i would like to continue breastfeeding for quite a while yet. it has been one of the most holy experiences of my life to sustain my baby with my body. i don't want to give it up, but for the sake of my health, this might be the best way to go. i am so heartbroken about it, but i have to kick this yeast, first and foremost! blake needs a healthy mom more than he needs momma's milk.

the little things

forgive the all lowercase letters, but i am typing this from my phone and can't use uppercase letters for some unknown reason. i have something important and potentionally heavy to talk about, which is probably no surprise to you.

but first, the funny part of the story. i was feeding blake his early morning num num's aka the boob when he took himself off and pooped. a big one. and then he fell asleep right after, and he cuddled up on my arm. it was so sweet. but there was a matter of that poop to take care of... so i changed him. as i was throwing away his dirty diaper, he decided to pee on his pajamas. so then i changed his clothes.

i got back into bed with him, and i snuggled him. he started to close his eyes, but suddenly, he started to hiccup. there was no way he would fall asleep hiccuping, so i started praying for him. i told god i needed to know that he cares about the little things. and wouldn't you know it, blake's hiccups stopped a minute later.

why should god care if blake goes back to sleep or not? there is a lot of crap going on in the world that he should attend to before my son's hiccups, isn't there?

the next morning, i was talking to a friend of mine who told me about a serious issue in her family. i felt overwhelmed by the seriousness of the issue and began to pray. and as i prayed, i realized why it mattered so much to me that god takes care of the little things... the immediate results things. it matters because the little things, the answered prayers that i can visually see and comprehend, show me that god is listening. and he cares.

i need to know that god cares so that i can continue to pray for my friend's family in full faith that god acts! we can't always see the results of prayer for these big things because serious problems don't get solved overnight. but we absolutely must keep praying! god is listening. and if you have lost faith in him, i encourage you to ask for the little things, like for the hiccups to stop. i am not saying god will always take the hiccups away instantly. but he will show up and show you his presence. and if that presence is there through the small things, how much more will our compassionate and sovereign god be there for the big things! thank you, god!

27

         I haven't written in forever. There's no specific reason other than, perhaps, laziness. But since I just turned 27 yesterday and am seeking to start this year out right, I decided to write something, anything!
        So since high school and college, I have facebook stalked enough to see that others have decided to better themselves. People are running half marathons and getting healthy. People have awesome jobs that they love. People are, in general, pursuing hobbies that they love. And I don't feel like I've done that. To this point, I feel like I've been more downhill, in some ways. Since the year after college, I stopped running regularly. I haven't found an outlet for my love of singing. This blog post isn't meant to be a downer, but I'm just laying the foundation to show how I've been inspired by others I've seen on facebook!
        In June, I decided I was done complaining about the extra baby weight, and I was going to do something about it. I started running again. Sometimes I was super committed, and other times, I was busy overindulging in cheese fries. But since mid-June, I have lost 17 pounds. I am now three pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight, which is awesome, but my old clothes still don't fit right. Bummer.
        Anyway, yesterday I decided to start 27 out with a bang and run 4 miles. But once I got to 4 miles, I decided to keep going, and I made it to 5 miles! I haven't run 5 miles since college, so it felt amazing to achieve something like that. Running is such an incredible thing because pushing your body and achieving a goal makes you feel so powerful!
        I want year 27 to be about no excuses. I want year 27 to be about growing relationships. I want year 27 to be about becoming a better me in all areas of life: as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, neighbor, stranger. Without further ado, here are some of my year 27 goals. I made a list of 27 goals to achieve, and I'm ready to set out and do them! Some of these things are things that will help me grow as a person, and some of them are just things that I want to do. I won't be sharing all of them, but here is a sampler. If you want to help me out with any of them, please let me know!

1. Run a 10k
2. Get paid to do something (aka get a job)
3. Be a better meal planner
4. Spend less money
5. Be more generous
6. Learn to knit, knit blankets for the Sweet Pea Project
7. Complain less
8. Do pilates
9. See Hanson in concert
10. Pray more
11. Be a healthier eater

        Being a mom has made me realize how much more I want for myself because I know how much I want for Blake's life. And I want to be a good model of living life to the fullest: being joyful, being healthy, having meaningful relationships with friends and family.