Monday, July 23, 2012

12 weeks

It's been a while since I've written, but I have been just way too exhausted and stressed to write. I'm at 12 weeks now, but not much has changed. I am definitely still just as tired, but, on the brighter side, less nauseous.

Work has been very stressful due to Mrs. Cho... Mrs. Cho is my boss's friend who has come to help out for a few weeks. What is she helping out with? Cooking and cleaning. The problem with this is that it has rendered me useless. At  first I felt stressed because there was nothing for me to do since she took over all my normal jobs (even though she wasn't supposed to). But it turned into her ordering me around and not thinking that I did things fast enough. ANYWAY my point is, I've been stressed, but she is leaving on Wednesday, and then cooking and cleaning is my turf again. (Wait, why do I want her to leave?!)

I don't know if it's the stress or the hormones or a combination of the two, but I have been so emotional and anxious lately. I think it's just that now that I'm in my second trimester, this is all becoming so much more real. I'm a little scared, I have to admit. So I focus my anxious energies on worrying that there isn't enough space for a baby in our apartment. I will still maintain that this may be actually true, BUT I can confess that I am just a little overly stressed.

Prime example--one night when we were about to get ready for bed, I started freaking out that we had too much stuff and no room for a baby. So I cleaned off the bottom shelf of our DVD bookshelf, and then I felt like I could breathe because now there was room. While it was a little crazy, my intentions were good. I really do feel like we have too much stuff, and I just don't want to feel so self-centered by having so much stuff. Over the next week, TJ and I went through some of our clothes and books and DVDS and picked out some things to donate. It's a start, anyway. We are not only preparing our apartment to make room for a baby, we are preparing our hearts for a huge change in our lives, and I can think of no better way to start than by putting ourselves aside and learning to put our baby first. And in all of it, we're learning to trust God in newer and bigger ways.

Monday, July 9, 2012

10 Weeks Ultrasound

So last Friday we went to our 10 week ultrasound. First off, I pulled my shirt up and expected the cold gel on my stomach, but instead, they put the gel somewhere else... That is NOT the kind of ultrasound you see on movies. But it was the most incredible thing. We saw our baby and heard her heartbeat. She had ears and arms and legs. She had her legs crossed like she was just hanging out. It was so amazing!

But later that night, I got to thinking about our baby's due date... February 2nd. I started my insurance on Feb 1st this past year, so my insurance deductible will be starting over again one day before the due date. This put me in an anxious frenzy. If I have the baby in February, we will be paying the entire hospital bill. Obviously if this happens, we will survive. But it's pretty daunting. So now I'm researching the old wives tales of how to induce labor early. Believe me, I will be trying them come January 25th or so!

Monday, July 2, 2012

9 Weeks-Starting to Gain Weight

Here I am at Megan's wedding this past weekend. We had some people at the wedding we wanted to tell about the pregnancy--people who are old friends, but not necessarily close friends at this stage in life. But one of TJ's friends from college came up to me and asked me if I was pregnant (and told me to slap her if she was wrong) so I told her yes. Well, pretty soon everyone knew. So we went to tell others, and they just said, "I know already." It took the fun out of telling people, and at the same time, it saved us some repetitive conversations. But I was self-conscious the rest of the night because while I can tell I've gained a few pounds, I didn't realize it was noticeable enough that someone would be able to tell that I'm pregnant. Maybe I have to start thinking more about healthy eating and stuff so that I don't gain weight too rapidly. I want to be a cute pregnant lady, not someone with too much cushioning. Plus I want to be healthy.

But onto something more serious... I'm struggling emotionally because my dad isn't happy about this baby. I think he will probably come around, but it's hard because I wish he wanted to be involved and hear updates about the baby's growth. Do I call him and tell him how our ultrasound goes on Friday? Do I even call him when we find out if it's a boy or a girl? My natural tendency is to say, "Fine, if you don't want to be involved, then I just won't call you at all." I just want to shut him out. I don't want his negative energy around my baby anyway. But something tells me that this isn't the right way to respond? It's a struggle though because I want my dad to be happy about this baby. I want him to be excited about a grandchild. But he's not, and I don't know what to do with that. I guess all I can do is pray that he comes around.