breast is best?

Throughout my entire pregnancy, there was no question that I was going to breastfeed. I think it is healthiest and most natural for babies, so I was really excited about it. Plus it doesn't hurt that it's free food for baby. I was prepared in knowing that getting a correct latch is key, and it isn't easy. In the hospital, two nurses helped me breastfeed for the first time right after my c-section. I didn't do anything, just laid in the bed while they did all the work. And throughout the next few days, breastfeeding wasn't so bad. I thought things were going pretty well. But even there, Blake would feed for at least 45 minutes, and he would still be fussy. He wouldn't sleep hardly at all. Even when we were holding him, and we thought he was sleeping, he would wake up and scream as soon as we tried to put him down.

When we got him home, it was worse. That first night at home was just the most horrible experience. I was basically up all night with him trying to get him to feed. I was so desperate to feed him that I didn't even care that the latch seemed wrong. I just needed him to eat and be done with it. When morning came, I was a mess. I told TJ I wasn't sure that breastfeeding was going to work out. Of course, it didn't help that my hormones were all out of whack. I couldn't physically breastfeed anymore because it was hurting me too much and was just too damaging emotionally for me, so we started using formula from then on. It only took a few hours to notice a difference in both Blake and me. Blake was actually sleeping, and when he fussed, he was fussing for a specific reason that we could solve. And I had a huge weight lifted from me.

We spent the weekend feeding Blake formula through a medicine dropper thing because I didn't want to give him a bottle before we made a final decision about whether to breastfeed. I felt so heavy with the decision, even though our decision was pretty much made for us because I just couldn't handle it. As a compromise, I was really hoping I could pump milk and bottle feed, even if it meant supplementing with formula. But I couldn't even get myself to express milk due to how much I was hurting.

Finally, this morning we went to the pediatrician and met with the lactation consultant there. She was really encouraging and did not try to force me to breastfeed. But she helped me with my breast pump, and right in that office, I pumped enough milk for two feedings for Blake. I was so overjoyed to know that my body could do it, and there was hope that I could still give Blake the nutrition from breast milk, at least for some of his meals.

I had come to terms with the reality that I just might not be able to give Blake breast milk. I think, in our case, it seemed that breast was not best. I am so thankful that there is hope that I can feed him some breast milk now, and I just praise God for this opportunity. Seeing milk flow from my breasts is such an incredible experience for me because it gives me that feeling of providing food for my son. Each time today that I have expressed milk, I thanked God, and I will continue to thank Him because He is so good! This is just one of the ways His goodness has shined in my life today.