baby blues

So I have a few images floating around in my head that I saw on facebook. One of them is of a friend who had a baby a few months ago, and she took her one or two week old baby to a New Year's gathering. And the other isn't specific but a general hodgepodge of pictures I've seen of happy mommas with happy  newborns. It is these images that haunt me and make me feel like I must be a horrible mother who will never adjust to motherhood. These images make me feel like these other first-time mothers must have some quality that I don't have. It wasn't until a day or two ago that I realized that this was poison to me. Who knows how much these mothers struggled with their newborns crying for long periods of time for no understandable reason? Who knows how much they struggled with sleep deprivation and arguing with their husbands about nothing due to the stress? They aren't posting on facebook about those things because it's very personal, and random facebook friends may not necessarily be sensitive to these struggles.

Well, it definitely is personal, but I'm choosing to write about it anyway. I'm assuming that only people who care about me are reading this, anyway. The people who are reading this are probably the people who, if they asked, would hear my honest struggles.

I know that baby blues is a normal thing for a few weeks. And I don't know how much blues is normal and when it's a red flag, but I just know that I'm struggling a lot. I feel like an inept mother--that I wasn't cut out for this. I feel like this will never get any better or easier. I feel hopeless, like I'm just drowning. And I feel like I'm not myself, like I don't even know what being myself means anymore. People keep saying they would babysit for an hour or so while I go off and have some time for myself. But I don't even know what I would want to do with my time anymore (other than sleep). What would I enjoy doing? Where would I enjoy going? I don't know.

When TJ leaves for work, I watch the clock, just waiting for him to get home again. And he isn't even starting full time work until tomorrow.

Every night, I can't fall asleep because I'm so anxious about when I will be awoken next. When it's evening time, I start to dread the upcoming night. And in the morning, I dread the long day ahead.

And it's not because I don't love Blake. I love him so much, but this newborn phase makes me feel like I can't ever have another child because it's just too hard.

I don't necessarily have any happy conclusion to add to this because I'm still in the midst of this and haven't come out on the other side. I suppose I will come out on the other side, and this will all be a blip in time, and in a few years, I'll be wanting to do it again with another child.

I know that people say that this is just a hard phase, and it will get better. But it's hard to believe that during the times that Blake cries for three hours straight. Or when I've spent two hours lying in my bed and haven't been able to fall asleep yet, but he starts crying that he's hungry again.

This whole thing is so incredibly difficult, and it's not like I didn't know that it would be. But this is how I feel right now, and I've just decided to be brutally honest about it. Why? So that you will pray for me and understand how deeply I need the prayers. I won't sugarcoat it and make it seem like it's just something to pray about if you happen to have the time. No, I need you to pray for me immediately after you finish reading this, and if you can remember to, pray for me every single day for the next few weeks. I'm confident these feelings won't last a long time, but they may last the next few weeks, and it doesn't make this transition any easier.

In case anyone was looking at my happy baby photos or posts on facebook, you now know that that is not the whole story. I don't expect others to be so honest because I know facebook isn't the place for that, but it would definitely be helpful for me to hear that others have struggled, and when things got better, and in what ways things got better.