Regrowing Lettuce: A Letter To Mom

 Dear Mom Rieger,
You left a big hole in our world when you went to heaven a year ago. Dad still doesn't know what to do with himself. And we are left to navigate parenting without your valuable advice and encouragement. Life is not the same without you.

Since you left, you have gained three more beautiful grandbabies. I love to picture your face beaming as it would be to see them all together and hear about them growing. I can just hear you telling story after story about how your babies gave you just as many headaches and more.

You might not be here to give us advice and encouragement as we go through the trials of parenting and marriage, but we have already learned many lessons from you. Even though I didn't have the privilege of knowing you for very long, I think of you often and am challenged to live my life in a more positive way because of your example.

I want to be more like you in my marriage. You and Dad went through many trials, but you stuck with it and came out stronger in the end. Your love for each other was so apparent to everyone. YOU made Dad a better man.

I want to be more like you as a mother. I want to raise good children like you did. I want to give them the best that I can, and I want them to know that I am always just a phone call away.

I want to be more like you as a woman. Your mobility may have been taken away, but you kept your spirit. You were always positive, and you always remembered that no matter what, you were blessed. You must have lived in pain, but you never wanted us to know it, and you never focused on yourself.

You should know that you have left behind a legacy. You might not be here anymore, but we will never forget you, and your memory will live on in our lives and in the lives of our children. Our children will never know you, but they will grow up hearing about you. They will hear about how deeply you and Poppop loved each other and how you were such a caring mother and how you called yourself "blessed" in the midst of disability. And they, too, will want to be more like you.

You are the roots to our lettuce. We will keep on growing because of YOU. 

late 20's crisis

The biggest inner struggle of my life: jealousy. I thought I kicked my jealousy habit a while ago, but it has come back rearing its ugly green head lately. I'm not sure what exactly triggered it, but it is probably a combination of motherhood and late 20's-hood. I mean what the heck, when did I suddenly become 27 years old?! I never had much direction in life, so maybe that's how I ended up here without a job at 27 years old.  When I was in high school, I never knew what I wanted to do until senior year when I decided I wanted to be a civil rights lawyer. (Something I saw on Bridget Jones' Diary. Thanks a lot, Colin Firth!) My English teacher told me to go to Lebanon Valley College and major in English, so that's what I did. Then during college, I decided that studying cases was super boring, but I never decided on a new career path. I didn't decide to intern with InterVarsity until a week or so before graduation! Anyway, that's just a little bit of my story that illustrates my point-- that I lack determination.

I love being a stay at home mom, and I think it is very important for the development of my kid(s) that I stay home when they're young. So why do I feel like I'm inferior to other moms who work? I wish I had a meaningful job that I cared about. Would I actually want to be away from Blake 40+ hours per week? No. But still, it would be nice to be a person with a career, to be able to identify myself as working as a ______ at _______ doing _____. And it seems like other moms have worked it out well that they can work part time and still mostly stay home with their kids and get the best of both worlds. Why not me? Oh right, I have a B.A. in English and French. That's very in demand stuff...

The other part of this lack of career thing is the not making money part. It would be nice to feel productive by bringing home $___ paychecks. I wish we had more money and could buy a house. I wish we didn't have to wait to have another baby until TJ finds another job. I wish I could afford to buy clothes that fit me. I wish I could afford to run lots of local races. 

In general, I thought that by my late 20's, I would have life a little more put together. Established jobs for my husband and me, a house, a baby that sleeps through the night. I would write it off and say that's just not what the real world is like... BUT why does it seem like everyone else has it together?! I see the moms at church fitting nicely in their clothing. And they have nice hair. They don't seem like they're exhausted. They participate in discussions in Sunday school, and they volunteer in the nursery or elsewhere at church. But my clothes are either too tight or too big or have holes. My hair is most likely thrown in a pony tail. AND I'M EXHAUSTED! But how the hell can I be so exhausted when I don't feel like I accomplish anything ever?!! 

Am I a horrible person to admit that I feel jealous of these women at church? Well, that's how I feel. I have an adorable 12 month old that fusses a lot and likes to scream at night. It's EXHAUSTING. And my husband is on the lookout for a new job. That's SCARY. So I guess the conditions of my life right now are a breeding ground for this very ugly sin called envy. I'm not proud of it, but it feels nice to say it out loud. 

So what do you think? Do the others have it all together? Or do we all just have times where we feel like we don't measure up to others?

(By the way, I've been wanting to write this blog entry for quite a while now. But I lacked determination to open up my laptop.)

breastfeeding woes

while it may be inappropriate to say the word nipple on facebook, this is my private blog, and i can say whatever i want. nipple. nipple. nipple. by the way, i am writing from my phone again, so there will be no capital letters in this entry.

ten months ago, i wrote that breast might not be best for me. but thankfully, this did not turn out to be true. blake and i enjoyed a wonderful breastfeeding relationship for six months. i loved breastfeeding so much and was so thankful that we had not had any issues.

then, in august i started to feel sharp pain when blake would eat. turns out, i got a yeast infection in my breast. we could not put blake in his cloth diapers because they rubbed his inner thigh, and the yeast liked to congregate there. with treatment, the infection seemed to go away, so i tried blake in his cloth diapers again. bam! the yeast came back with a vengence.

here we are, four months later still dealing with this awful infection. the treatment that worked before is not working now. the pain is unbearable, and my nipples hardly look like nipples anymore.

so the question has returned: is breast best for us now? or do i have to consider weaning blake? my mom says blake will be alright without my milk, but i might not be okay. it is hard for me to deal with this though because i'm a bit of a hippie, and i would like to continue breastfeeding for quite a while yet. it has been one of the most holy experiences of my life to sustain my baby with my body. i don't want to give it up, but for the sake of my health, this might be the best way to go. i am so heartbroken about it, but i have to kick this yeast, first and foremost! blake needs a healthy mom more than he needs momma's milk.

the little things

forgive the all lowercase letters, but i am typing this from my phone and can't use uppercase letters for some unknown reason. i have something important and potentionally heavy to talk about, which is probably no surprise to you.

but first, the funny part of the story. i was feeding blake his early morning num num's aka the boob when he took himself off and pooped. a big one. and then he fell asleep right after, and he cuddled up on my arm. it was so sweet. but there was a matter of that poop to take care of... so i changed him. as i was throwing away his dirty diaper, he decided to pee on his pajamas. so then i changed his clothes.

i got back into bed with him, and i snuggled him. he started to close his eyes, but suddenly, he started to hiccup. there was no way he would fall asleep hiccuping, so i started praying for him. i told god i needed to know that he cares about the little things. and wouldn't you know it, blake's hiccups stopped a minute later.

why should god care if blake goes back to sleep or not? there is a lot of crap going on in the world that he should attend to before my son's hiccups, isn't there?

the next morning, i was talking to a friend of mine who told me about a serious issue in her family. i felt overwhelmed by the seriousness of the issue and began to pray. and as i prayed, i realized why it mattered so much to me that god takes care of the little things... the immediate results things. it matters because the little things, the answered prayers that i can visually see and comprehend, show me that god is listening. and he cares.

i need to know that god cares so that i can continue to pray for my friend's family in full faith that god acts! we can't always see the results of prayer for these big things because serious problems don't get solved overnight. but we absolutely must keep praying! god is listening. and if you have lost faith in him, i encourage you to ask for the little things, like for the hiccups to stop. i am not saying god will always take the hiccups away instantly. but he will show up and show you his presence. and if that presence is there through the small things, how much more will our compassionate and sovereign god be there for the big things! thank you, god!

27

         I haven't written in forever. There's no specific reason other than, perhaps, laziness. But since I just turned 27 yesterday and am seeking to start this year out right, I decided to write something, anything!
        So since high school and college, I have facebook stalked enough to see that others have decided to better themselves. People are running half marathons and getting healthy. People have awesome jobs that they love. People are, in general, pursuing hobbies that they love. And I don't feel like I've done that. To this point, I feel like I've been more downhill, in some ways. Since the year after college, I stopped running regularly. I haven't found an outlet for my love of singing. This blog post isn't meant to be a downer, but I'm just laying the foundation to show how I've been inspired by others I've seen on facebook!
        In June, I decided I was done complaining about the extra baby weight, and I was going to do something about it. I started running again. Sometimes I was super committed, and other times, I was busy overindulging in cheese fries. But since mid-June, I have lost 17 pounds. I am now three pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight, which is awesome, but my old clothes still don't fit right. Bummer.
        Anyway, yesterday I decided to start 27 out with a bang and run 4 miles. But once I got to 4 miles, I decided to keep going, and I made it to 5 miles! I haven't run 5 miles since college, so it felt amazing to achieve something like that. Running is such an incredible thing because pushing your body and achieving a goal makes you feel so powerful!
        I want year 27 to be about no excuses. I want year 27 to be about growing relationships. I want year 27 to be about becoming a better me in all areas of life: as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, neighbor, stranger. Without further ado, here are some of my year 27 goals. I made a list of 27 goals to achieve, and I'm ready to set out and do them! Some of these things are things that will help me grow as a person, and some of them are just things that I want to do. I won't be sharing all of them, but here is a sampler. If you want to help me out with any of them, please let me know!

1. Run a 10k
2. Get paid to do something (aka get a job)
3. Be a better meal planner
4. Spend less money
5. Be more generous
6. Learn to knit, knit blankets for the Sweet Pea Project
7. Complain less
8. Do pilates
9. See Hanson in concert
10. Pray more
11. Be a healthier eater

        Being a mom has made me realize how much more I want for myself because I know how much I want for Blake's life. And I want to be a good model of living life to the fullest: being joyful, being healthy, having meaningful relationships with friends and family.

the balance of husband and father

Well, as you may or may not realize, I am not a man. Which makes me neither husband nor father. But I feel led to give some thoughts on the topic because I see a lot of different ways of being a husband/father. I've seen men that I'm thankful are not my husband because the way they like to live life is so different from what works for me. I wouldn't be happy in some of those relationships, but it works for those couples! The moral of the story is (or should I wait to tell the moral? I don't know, I'm a terrible storyteller!), you have to find what dynamic and roles work for BOTH of you as a couple. If the wife feels abandoned because the husband often goes out with friends and leaves her home with the children, it doesn't work for that couple because the wife isn't happy. If you don't mind if your husband is gone a lot, then I guess that's fine, even though I can't even begin to understand that.

As for my story pertaining to said topic, my son doesn't sleep well. I find myself getting up with him at least five times a night. For a month or so, I cried every day to my husband that I was so tired, and I couldn't go on the way things were. And night after night, he just stayed in bed while I got up with Blake. He justified it to himself that he had to wake up for work, so he shouldn't have to get up with Blake. And while this is true and the reason that I didn't ever outright ask for help, TJ realized one day that he was not being Christ-like in our marriage. He was not sacrificing for my sake. In our marriages, God has told the men that they must love their wives like Christ loves the church. This is a tall order for men! If you are a Christ follower, it is very sobering to consider getting up on a cross and dying for your family daily. But if you are a Christ follower, it's NECESSARY. When TJ realized that he was not being Christ-like in this area of our lives, he apologized to me. He desired to change his heart so that he could bless me with more sleep.

No man is perfect, of course. But I have seen a lot of change in TJ recently as he tries to help out, and I've also seen change in me. When I know that TJ is willing to help, it makes me more apt to fulfill my role in our marriage and taking care of Blake. I am more joyful about my role when I know that TJ is there to support me. I'm also more in love with my husband when I feel his support! When TJ comes home from work, he tries to take Blake and give me a few minutes for a shower or whatever. When there's a diaper to be changed, he often will offer to take care of it so that I can have a break from diaper changes. Ladies, I do not mean to say that if your husband is not doing these things, he is a bad man. But if you lack sleep and are barely functioning because your baby doesn't sleep well, and if you never get a break from diapers and childcare, it's a good chance to consider, with your husband, how are you both doing at being Christ-like towards each other? It isn't something you can accusingly throw at your husband, but it's something to pray about, and it's something to remind you that if you need help, your husband, as the head of your family, should be there to offer support. You aren't wrong to ask for help. You aren't wrong to ask that he be around more often.

I'm pretty certain there are no men reading this, but this is a challenge for all the husbands and fathers out there. Being a husband and a father is not something to be taken lightly. It's not something to just do when you feel like it. It's not enough for a man to go to work and come home, eat and sleep. In a marriage, both husband and wife need to question, what can I do to bless my spouse today? Will it sometimes mean that you don't get to do the thing you want to do? Yes. Is this what God intended for marriage and parenthood? Yes.

bigger than me

So I've been angry at God. I've been really angry because I feel like my needs have not been taken care of. I have asked God every night for months to please PLEASE give me a good night's rest. And I trusted every night that even though He hadn't come through thus far, He would that night. But He didn't.

When I think about it, this isn't a new struggle. I struggled for a long time to understand why, when I felt God telling me to be patient and stick by Ryan for such a long time, I was left alone in the end. I may have heard Him wrong, but I was so sure that I was in the right place. For a long time after Ryan broke up with me for the fourth time (yes, seriously), I was angry at God and didn't want to talk to Him anymore. I didn't understand. But now, I see. From the moment TJ and I started dating, I finally felt what it was like to be pursued, desired, loved. And now we have the most beautiful son I could ever have imagined. No, I couldn't even have imagined him. I never knew I could love someone so much as I love my husband and my son. God had to break my heart so that things would get better! And He knew all along that He had something better for my life. I just didn't trust it.

Anyway, back to this sleep issue, I've been angry at God. I haven't wanted to go to church. But then recently, I had a change of heart. It all started with one Saturday night when I told TJ how I was feeling. He told me, "You should read your bible. You should pray." And that just made me more angry. But when we went to church the next morning, the sermon was all about the bigger picture. Not that our problems don't matter, but there is a bigger picture, and the big picture is all about God's glory.

Since then, I'm still chronically exhausted. BUT God has been involving me in things that show more of the bigger picture. One example is IR4, an organization that connections a runner with a child with physical and/or mental disabilities. The runner dedicates their exercise to the child as a form of encouragement. I'm not paired up with a child yet, but seeing these children with so much joy written on their faces reminds me that there are others who have bigger problems than I do. And yet, they have joy.

So my child doesn't sleep well, and it sucks. But my child is healthy and has the gift of mobility (presumably) and that is reason enough to praise God continually. I'm guessing maybe years from now, I'll have some kind of answer as to why I had to go through this type of struggle (I'm really a 9 hours of sleep a night kind of person...) but even if I don't, I'll have forgotten this because I'll have a sweet boy running around, saying all sorts of strange things like toddlers do. I don't necessarily have an answer to why I had to struggle years ago with my relationship with Ryan. But it doesn't matter anymore because I have something so much more beautiful than that could ever have been.

There is a much bigger picture than this struggle. The bigger picture isn't that others are struggling more than me. That isn't the point. The point is that God is weaving all of our lives together in a tapestry that depicts His glory. My life is a part of that, and it's important. But it's only a part, it isn't the whole picture or the whole story. And if you focus only on your part of the tapestry, it's easy to get lost in your own woes. It's easy to think that God doesn't love you because He isn't giving you sleep. But God sustains me every day, and that is all to His glory!

To end, I want to mention my mother in law. Mom Rieger could not walk for years. She was in pain all the time, but she never complained about it. She called herself blessed, and she was full of joy. Was she happy all the time? No. It wasn't easy to be in her shoes. BUT she never used her circumstances as a reason to be ungrateful to God and to be unkind to others. And because of that example, I CANNOT be unkind to my husband because I'm tired. And I absolutely CANNOT be ungrateful for what God has given me because I'm not sleeping as much as I want to be.