Tuesday, June 4, 2013

the sin of ungratefulness

I once read that the first sin was one of ungratefulness. Adam and Eve disregarded everything that they were given, and they saw only that one thing that they were not given. I always read Genesis 3 and wonder how they could be so stupid to have messed up like that. If they were given every beautiful thing on the earth, and life was just wonderful and peaceful all the time, why couldn't they just be content, knowing that they have already been given more than enough? But if I really think about it, I guess I'm not content either.

This ungratefulness comes in the form of jealousy for me. It seeps into me like a poison, tainting my views of everything and everyone. It causes me to take for granted all the blessings that I have been given.

I'm jealous of women who seem to have no trouble at all losing their baby weight soon after having their babies. I walk around hating my body every single day. It's terribly depressing when you can't fit in any of your clothes, and it feels shameful not to have lost more weight after four months. But on the other hand, what a beautiful blessing to have grown and carried a baby inside of my body! What a beautiful blessing to be able to nourish my son every day with my body! What a beautiful blessing to be able to bounce, dance, change, and tickle my son every day! Maybe this body has a few extra pounds and stretch marks on it, but it sure is incredible what my body has done and continues to do! And hating my body and being jealous of others just tells God that what I've been given isn't enough.

I'm also very jealous having seen others get better attendance at their baby shower and more hospital visits from mutual friends than what I got at mine. I replay it over and over in my head, allowing myself to feel hurt and unloved over and over again. And maybe I am less loved by those people. But what about the people who did visit? What about the people who made us wonderful meals? What about the people who traveled quite far to come to my baby shower? It might not directly seem like ungratefulness, but if I focus only on the people who didn't show up, I ignore the people who did. And believe me, it's a lot more fun to think about the people who went out of their way to be supportive. My friend Allie came from near Philly for my baby shower during her difficult pregnancy. My friend Debby came from Harrisburg, leaving behind her own small baby. My friend Kayla made us three incredible meals after Blake was born to help out when I was really struggling! Wow, what a beautiful blessing to have friends who make loving me a priority in their life during those important times!

It's so easy when I'm tired and stressed to allow the enemy to invade my mind and make me feel like I don't have enough. It's the enemy who says, "Hey, those people didn't visit you when you had your baby! They must not love you!" But knowing that it's the enemy who tells me those stories lets me know that these stories don't have any truth in them. They are LIES!

God's truth says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God's truth says I love you and gave my life for you. And those are the stories I need to be playing in my head. I can't tell you how much time I've spent lately arguing with TJ about how people don't love me and why I'm ugly. It has been a huge waste of my time (and TJ's) defending lies! And I don't want to do it anymore because I don't want to be ungrateful. I want to say, "Thank you, God!" rather than "Thank you, God, but I actually wanted this other stuff too." I want to allow God's truth to permeate every part of me and use my energy to praise Him rather than to be ungrateful for the many gifts He has given.

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