writing a good story: finale

The sermon at church this past Sunday was about "poverty of relationships." Are we loving others as God has asked us to? Are our relationships shallow? Then this past week, a few things have happened with family and friends that have really broken my heart because I see the poverty of relationships for them. But it's not even about them and their own emotional turmoil and hurt; it's about what their children and/or grandchildren are seeing and learning from the situations. So I am challenged with the questions in my own life: Do I honor and respect my parents? Do I show love and grace to my husband? 

Mistreating your parents is kind of a crazy thing because if you don't treat your parents right, do you think your kids will learn to treat YOU right as THEIR parent? If your parents are elderly and need taken care of, you do it. If your parent needs a place to live and food to eat because they don't have enough money for their own place, house them and feed them! (Considering that they did that for you for 18 years or however long, I think it's the least you can do!) These kinds of things are a great example to our own children because it teaches them how to take care of others who are in need, especially our family. I never once considered that I wouldn't take care of my parents if someday they need me to. That's just what it means to honor my parents during that stage of our lives. I sure hope that my kids will learn the same lesson and take care of me someday! Watch out, Blake, I'm living until at least 90!

In light of other recent events in Jess Rieger Land, I wonder what our children are learning about the importance of marriage. Are our children learning that it's important to fight for your marriage and to keep your family together? Or are they learning to bottle up emotions, don't talk about problems, don't work through things. This is a huge kick in the butt for me because it's easy to forget about your spouse when you have a little one who is so dependent on you. It's easy for me to forget that TJ is dependent on me, too. THIS is when you have to fight for marriage! You BOTH have to fight to keep your relationship strong. I want Blake to learn that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and it's not a decision you go into lightly. Jesus forbids divorce for a good reason. It damages the couple in serious ways, but it damages the children in huge ways, even if they're already adults when it happens. God is challenging me to look at my everyday interactions with TJ as something for or against my marriage. It's the little things that either build up my spouse and our marriage or tear it down, brick by brick. And it's these little things that my children are going to observe and take note that this is how you treat your wife or husband and this is what a marriage looks like. I'm praying that, by God's grace, they will see more good example than bad. And when they do see a bad example, it will be followed by an example of grace and forgiveness.

All of this comes off as quite a rant because I have a lot of emotions going into this from situations with friends and family, as I mentioned. But these situations break my heart so much because of the children who are observing these bad examples. And I doubt that anyone reading this is cruel to their parents, and I hope that your marriage is not headed towards divorce. BUT the point is that it's the little interactions with your spouse and your parents that show your children what it means to honor and respect and be committed! Writing a good story with your relationships teaches your children how to have deep, meaningful relationships themselves. As small children, we choose who their friends are. But as time goes on, they will choose their own friends and form their own relationships. May we lead by example so that they choose friends and relationships that build up, rather than tear down. 

writing a good story: part 2

Before Blake came, TJ and I went through our movies and got rid of a few things that we thought maybe we didn't want Blake to see. Example: Boondock Saints. But now that he's here, I'm feeling like being even more strict about the types of movies we watch. I was watching the movie Just Friends the other day and realizing that some of those jokes are inappropriate. It stinks because some of the jokes are REALLY funny, and I've always loved that movie. But when I think about my son hearing and seeing things that are inappropriate, it makes me want to throw that movie away. You could argue that a mature audience can handle such jokes and nudity. But if it's bad for Blake to fill his mind with such things, why is it any better for me to?

The thing is, the jokes we laugh at and the images we look at tell our children what's funny and what is worth filling our time with. So I don't want to laugh at inappropriate jokes anymore. I'm happier watching Horton Hears A Who anyway. Sometimes TJ and I get made fun of because we won't watch certain things or because we enjoy watching kid movies. It hurts my feelings because I feel misunderstood. But it doesn't matter because ultimately, we are doing what we think God is asking us to do. And that's all that matters.

I like Blake seeing us fill our lives with family, friends, and adventures. I want him to see us serving others, being generous, being honest and kind. I don't want him to hear inappropriate jokes and inappropriate amounts of skin showing. If he hears us laughing at inappropriate jokes, he will learn that those are the things that are funny. And that would be a shame, considering there's a lot of other stuff out there that's ten times more funny than any inappropriate joke!

Even at this age, I know Blake is watching my every move. He's learning what is worth investing time in. He's learning what's fun and what's funny. He's learning how to care for others and how to be giving. Because I want Blake to learn good things from my actions, I'm challenged to live my life according to God's truth. By God's strength, I will be able to write a good story with my life by being wary of the stories that I watch on TV so that Blake might learn what's worth watching and what isn't. It's much more fun to live our story than it is to watch one on TV, anyway!

His Arms

Last Sunday, I had Blake in my arms, and it was time for his nap, so I just rocked him to sleep in the middle of the church service. I love those moments where I get to just hold him and watch him sleep so peacefully. He's at an age where sometimes when he's fussing for someone else, when he gets in my arms, he's content. Mom's arms mean comfort. Mom's arms mean everything is okay and safe. And while I wish that it didn't always have to be me because it makes me exhausted sometimes, there's something so beautiful in the fact that he trusts me and loves me that much. That I'm his person.

And that's when the revelation came. That's how God feels about me! He wants me to run to His arms for comfort and peace. He wants me to know that, in His arms, I am safe. It isn't a burden to Him that I ask for help because He loves to hold me! Being a mom is teaching me so much about the character of God.

I love watching Blake enjoy the toys that we give him. I love watching him explore the world around him. And I know God looks down and enjoys watching us appreciate the scenery and the people around us. He loves when we are thankful for the gifts He has given because, of course, He wants us to enjoy our gifts!

While I haven't carved out the time to read my bible very much since being a parent, I think I've learned so much more these past few months about God's role as Heavenly Father (and mother!) than I have my whole life. My dad never offered much affection or affirmation, so the idea of being God's child didn't strike me deeply before now. But now I realize in much deeper ways how much God loves me as His child.

In this world where so many children are the innocent victims of evil, I'm comforted in knowing that Blake is God's child too. I'm comforted in knowing that Blake is even more precious to God than he is to me (which is a concept I can't even begin to understand!). And while that doesn't mean that bad things will never happen, I know that God is watching over us and gives us power and protection over the schemes of the devil. But all of that is a much deeper topic that I won't get into right now.

Thank you, God, for the opportunity to become a mother and to know your heart in deeper ways! I understand much more deeply how you love and care for me as a precious child and how much you love and care for Blake, too!

blake's first beach trip

So I've been excited to take Blake to the beach since, I don't know... I was five months pregnant, maybe. I bought reusable swim diapers, a rash guard, and swim trunks. I browsed beach tents on amazon.com while nursing. But I didn't end up buying a beach tent because I figured an inflatable baby pool with a shade was cheaper and multi-functional.

I was waiting and waiting until it was close enough to our beach trip that I could look up the weather forecast, and much to my dismay, Monday and Tuesday (our days at the beach) called for rain. All day rain. I was so disappointed! It's kind of depressing to pack for a beach trip that you know you will end up in the motel room the whole time.

Monday was rainy, so we weren't in a rush to get there. We got there around 4 PM, and it was pouring rain. But during dinner, the rain stopped! So I told TJ we had to get out and enjoy the non-rain while we could. So we walked on the boardwalk for a little while, and then we even went on the beach and took a few photos.

Blake woke me up at 6:30 AM on Tuesday, which is way earlier than normal. I was not happy. But I saw sunshine! The weather forecast said it would start raining at 8 AM, so I got TJ up right away so we could go to the beach. We walked to the beach and put Blake's feet in the sand and in the water. It was such a sweet moment because I love the beach. He liked the sand, and he wasn't sure about the water at first because it was too cold. Once he got used to the temperature, he didn't hate it. After breakfast, it was STILL SUNNY so we headed back to the beach. I showed Blake how to jump the waves, and we took more pictures, of course. And it wiped him out! He ended up falling asleep in his baby pool/tent. For lunch, we met up with TJ's aunt and cousin, and we all went swimming in the pool because it was STILL SUNNY. Blake loved the pool. We bobbed him up and down, and he kicked like he wanted to swim. And then he got wiped out again. We never got even a drop of rain that day. I was so thankful!

On Wednesday, Blake woke me up early again, so we went to the beach, and then we got in the pool for a little. Then we drove down to Cape May for a whale watch. Blake didn't notice he was on a boat or anything, but he was fine. And luckily, TJ entertained him for a lot of the time so I could search for whales. We never saw any whales, but we saw dolphins, and I even saw a stingray.

We had a wonderful beach trip, and I'm so thankful for it. I couldn't have asked for more except for maybe one more day to spend there. I hope I can remember Blake's sweet expressions forever as he experienced the ocean for the first time!

the sin of ungratefulness

I once read that the first sin was one of ungratefulness. Adam and Eve disregarded everything that they were given, and they saw only that one thing that they were not given. I always read Genesis 3 and wonder how they could be so stupid to have messed up like that. If they were given every beautiful thing on the earth, and life was just wonderful and peaceful all the time, why couldn't they just be content, knowing that they have already been given more than enough? But if I really think about it, I guess I'm not content either.

This ungratefulness comes in the form of jealousy for me. It seeps into me like a poison, tainting my views of everything and everyone. It causes me to take for granted all the blessings that I have been given.

I'm jealous of women who seem to have no trouble at all losing their baby weight soon after having their babies. I walk around hating my body every single day. It's terribly depressing when you can't fit in any of your clothes, and it feels shameful not to have lost more weight after four months. But on the other hand, what a beautiful blessing to have grown and carried a baby inside of my body! What a beautiful blessing to be able to nourish my son every day with my body! What a beautiful blessing to be able to bounce, dance, change, and tickle my son every day! Maybe this body has a few extra pounds and stretch marks on it, but it sure is incredible what my body has done and continues to do! And hating my body and being jealous of others just tells God that what I've been given isn't enough.

I'm also very jealous having seen others get better attendance at their baby shower and more hospital visits from mutual friends than what I got at mine. I replay it over and over in my head, allowing myself to feel hurt and unloved over and over again. And maybe I am less loved by those people. But what about the people who did visit? What about the people who made us wonderful meals? What about the people who traveled quite far to come to my baby shower? It might not directly seem like ungratefulness, but if I focus only on the people who didn't show up, I ignore the people who did. And believe me, it's a lot more fun to think about the people who went out of their way to be supportive. My friend Allie came from near Philly for my baby shower during her difficult pregnancy. My friend Debby came from Harrisburg, leaving behind her own small baby. My friend Kayla made us three incredible meals after Blake was born to help out when I was really struggling! Wow, what a beautiful blessing to have friends who make loving me a priority in their life during those important times!

It's so easy when I'm tired and stressed to allow the enemy to invade my mind and make me feel like I don't have enough. It's the enemy who says, "Hey, those people didn't visit you when you had your baby! They must not love you!" But knowing that it's the enemy who tells me those stories lets me know that these stories don't have any truth in them. They are LIES!

God's truth says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God's truth says I love you and gave my life for you. And those are the stories I need to be playing in my head. I can't tell you how much time I've spent lately arguing with TJ about how people don't love me and why I'm ugly. It has been a huge waste of my time (and TJ's) defending lies! And I don't want to do it anymore because I don't want to be ungrateful. I want to say, "Thank you, God!" rather than "Thank you, God, but I actually wanted this other stuff too." I want to allow God's truth to permeate every part of me and use my energy to praise Him rather than to be ungrateful for the many gifts He has given.

Time to Die

While this seems like a very morbid title for a blog entry, I assure you it isn't meant to be. The death I am referring to is the death required to all of us Christ followers--to lay down your life for the sake of others. We are, of course, commanded to lay down our life for all others, but it is most necessary to our spouses and to our children. I knew when I agreed to marry TJ that I was agreeing to put him above myself. It meant that sometimes I'm having a bad day, but I'm going to step it up because TJ is having a bad day, too. It means that sometimes I have to watch the show that he wants to watch. And God promises that I am BLESSED for sacrificing my desires for my husband's sake.

The good news is that dying to self in a marriage is a reciprocal relationship, where sometimes TJ will step it up for my sake. However, dying to self for your children does not tend to be directly reciprocal. It means that sometimes I am going to want time to myself, but Blake decides that nap time will be a little shorter today, so I don't get to read the chapter I wanted to read in my book. It means that when Blake needs me in the middle of the night, it doesn't matter how tired I am. Blake's needs will always come before mine (not that my needs are not important and do not need to be addressed). As a new mother, I'm learning how to address my needs in different ways. I'm adjusting. It means maybe I shower only every other day. It means that I wait to enjoy relaxing time until Blake is napping. It means that TJ and I schedule a date night maybe twice a month if we are lucky, and we cherish that time alone together. For these sacrifices as a mother, I am BLESSED!

Being called to be a wife and a mother are not easy jobs. I remember in college, my friends and I sat together and expressed what the one thing we wanted to do in our lives before we die was. For most of us, it was to get married and have a family. We saw marriage and children as our happy ending. I don't think we were thinking about the challenges of these roles at that time because we didn't know then what these roles require. But being a wife has made me a better woman. And being a mother is making me an even better woman. These are the roles I have been called to, and they aren't necessarily a "happy ending," but they are beautiful. Every day, I grow to be more Christ-like as I lay down my life for my husband and my son.

Perhaps my friends and I worded our biggest life goal incorrectly, for in order to have a good marriage and be a good mother, you have to die. These aren't the things that happen before we die; these are the things for which we die daily.

what it means to be honest

Several people have told me that they appreciate my honesty in my blog. Vulnerability has always been a quality of mine that I readily display because, well, I just have too many darn emotions to even try to hide them! But the willingness to be open and vulnerable takes a new form when it comes to being a momma. We all want to be perfect moms and do EVERYTHING right for our little ones. We worry we will permanently mess up our kids when, for example, they will only fall asleep while nursing. If we let it, anxiety can really tire us out, and seriously, as a parent, aren't we already tired enough?

At first I found it interesting that people would mention my honesty because why wouldn't people be open and honest about what their experiences are like and how they're dealing with them? But now that I see online forums and comments at the end of blog entries, I get it. Moms are hard on other moms. They're judgmental and critical. "OMG I can't believe that child still has a pacifier!" "OMG I can't believe that child is still in diapers!" And believe me, I'm guilty of doing this too (but at least it's only in my head). Why are we cutting each other down so much? We're all on the same team here, mom to mom. Don't we all have the goal of raising good and happy children? It's not easy to be open and honest about your experiences when you know that other moms are out there judging you.

Today I was looking at a blog that was about a mother bringing her young infant to the beach for the first time. The mother mentioned that she found it important to cover herself while breastfeeding on the beach. This launched a HUGE argument between readers who just had to comment with their opinion on breastfeeding in public. And it made me feel like I wanted to crawl in my shell with my own opinions and practices because I didn't want to be judged. And it's difficult knowing that when my son is hungry, and I decide to feed him in public, whether I wear a cover or not is going to be highly judged by every person who sees me. But what does anyone know about why I might not cover up? Blake gets overheated very easily, so covering him up makes him upset and fussy. So if I could find a way to stay modest enough and not wear a nursing cover, I would do it because otherwise, my child won't eat.

I'm definitely guilty of judging other moms on their decisions, but I'm trying not to be because I know we all (or at least most of us) are trying to do the best we can for our children in the best way that we know how. And I don't know the challenges that other moms are facing in these areas that lead to the parenting decisions they have made. If we didn't judge each other so much, maybe more people could feel comfortable being honest about their difficulties. It takes a huge load off your chest when you can say how you're feeling, but so many of us are just trying to keep it all together for the public. And who could blame them, when they're faced with a jury of peers who are all too ready to give their opinion.

Cutting another mom down by saying or writing a judgy comment is not what honesty looks like. People like to say something mean to others and then say, "Sorry. I'm just being honest." Honesty is being able to openly share your experiences without undermining another person's experiences. And if more of us moms could feel free to be honest about our experiences, maybe we wouldn't feel so pressured to get everything right because we would realize that not even one of us is getting everything right.